video; un: lux

[dealwiththe]

[ Ah look, a new, and very handsome, face on the network! Enjoy your first look at Lucifer, residents of Navi. You're welcome.

He looks about forty, and sounds British, though he is of course neither. His smile, while wide and brilliant and charming, doesn't quite reach his eyes, which can best be described as "sad puppy dog brown". He's very well-dressed, though there might be a drop of blood or two on the otherwise-pristine collar of his white dress shirt - from a cut that's healing nicely on his temple. ]

Right, introductions are in order, I think. I'm Lucifer - Morningstar, yes, that one. Ruler of Hell, Satan, Beelzebub, all of that, but probably not the Devil you know. I'd rather keep the murder attempts at a minimum, they're very annoying. I don't lie, I don't kill, and I don't eat babies - that was a joke, I had no idea Dante would take me literally on that one. Milton got a little closer to the truth but the metaphors are always way off!

[ He sighs, shrugs, and pulls out a flask, taking a swig from it, then scowling at it for a moment. ]

Right, so, ask away, everyone always has questions, but I have a few as well. I don't suppose anyone has any decent liquor on board?

[ He tips the flask, and nothing comes out. He's empty. SAD TROMBONE. ]

And can we make requests? Perhaps we can try to stop off at a planet with a halfway decent piano bar next. It's been ages since I've seen the inside of one that wasn't a Hell loop.

Comments

[dealwiththe]

[ Lucifer's face actually darkens at that. Because, well, yeah, that's happened relatively recently as well, sort of. ]

Those might be the worst.

[bilocates]

Sounds like you have experience. That bad, huh? Let me guess:

Sacrifices, doomsday prophecies, attempts to bring about the end of all life as you know it?

[dealwiththe]

A deranged cop decided we were besties and that murdering some innocent humans was better than a friendship bracelet. Then he tried to frame me for said murders. He missed the memo where I explained I don't like murder and I don't like being accused of things I didn't do.

[bilocates]

A personal experience. That's different. Not surprising. There are those who love destruction.

Too much.

[Maybe he sounds like he has experience too.]

[dealwiththe]

To be completely fair, he was deranged in large part because he died, went to Hell, then got resurrected.

Anyway, all's well that ends well, as the saying goes. He's back where he belongs nowadays.

[bilocates]

How does that work?

[Resurrection should be impossible right? Right?]

Hell is real?

[dealwiththe]

[ The look on his face is infinitely exasperated. Humans. ]

I'm the Devil. You're speaking to literal Satan. Yes, of course Hell is real, I told you I'm the King of it, keep up.

And don't worry, resurrection - true resurrection, is usually impossible, it's only under certain very specific circumstances, requires a celestial willing to - you know what, it's fine, forget I said anything. The details are likely to make your brain melt.

[bilocates]

[Okay yes that's a good point but Satan existing didn't necessarily mean Hell existed. Religion got one thing right maybe.]

Try me. I'm listening.

[dealwiththe]

[ Ugh. ]

Well first of all, it can usually only be done within moments after death. It requires a celestial who can traverse the planes, knows where the soul is going and can find it fast. There may sometimes be... mm, relics that can assist with this, but the real ones are very rare. And, well. It's just not a good idea in general to do it.

Enough detail for you?

[ Lucifer did offer to answer questions, and he's a Devil of his word. ]

[bilocates]

[A long, thoughtful silence while Simon digests that. Sure, it makes sense.]

That wasn't that hard to understand.

[Good to know it seems unlikely to happen often. It's better when things that are supposed to be dead stay that way. He's worked very hard to make some of those happen you see. Lucifer made it seem like it'd be much harder to understand!]

Not every celestial can do that? Traverse the planes?

[dealwiththe]

[ Another shrug! ]

I can't. Go back to Heaven, that is. I'm permabanned.

I suppose theoretically any of my siblings could go to Hell, but most of them would never dream of sullying themselves like that. And they'd probably get lost.

[bilocates]

Then the theology isn't completely wrong.

[He just doesn't trust humans to have this stuff down correctly. Especially more recent writings, there's a lot of really bad translations okay. Granted everything is kind of up in the air now he was pretty sure angels didn't exist at all until Navi.]

No convenient road maps in Hell? How disappointing. How's the highway system? Infrastructure?

[Okay he's back to being a little bit of a troll.]

[dealwiththe]

Well no, obviously. It came from somewhere. Even broken clocks are right twice a day. It's just the interpretation that comes out wrong.

[ Ah, hardcore atheists. Often even more annoying than their zealous religious counterparts. Zealotry is never a good look, no matter the flavor. ]

Mm, traversal is a bit difficult without wings. The lighting is bad, and the hallways are terribly ashy.

[bilocates]

[Oh he's not an atheist, he just thinks Tiamat is the ruling deity of his world. Or at least the more threatening one, per her worshippers. It's more of a pragmatic approach, they exist but things aren't exactly what they seem. It's never simple black and white.

Lucifer, for example, is far too human for what Simon's used to.]

It's a good thing I see well in the dark.

[dealwiththe]

Oh, if you wind up in Hell, you won't be seeing the hallways. Just your own Hell loop. Some of those are very brightly lit indeed. Just depends.

[bilocates]

You think so?

[What a weird thing to say.]

What are they like, the Hell loops? What I mean to ask is... their construction. How do they function? How do you get there?

[dealwiththe]

They’re constructed out of your own guilt, and your soul arrives in one when you die.

[ Duh. ]

I can’t tell you what your Hell loop will be like except “a terrible punishment based on your soul-crushing guilt”.

[bilocates]

No guilt, no Hell. Interesting.

[He might be in the clear. What a strange concept.]

What of... demons. What are they like to you? How are they made?

[dealwiththe]

That’s far easier said than done.

[ No one knows guilt like Lucifer. ]

Anyway, demons. They’re not really made. Well, their mother made them. Perhaps you’ve heard of Lilith? She made them what they are, then gave them to me to help me run Hell.

[ He has… mixed feelings about this. ]

She meant well.

[bilocates]

[It helps to be just a little insane. Or a lot insane. Won't know until everything is said and done, unfortunately.]

I'm familiar. Depending on the mythology she's a goddess, or a demon, always of darkness, who bore many children.

[He considers these words. That's not far off from the myths, matches some of them exactly but the pieces still don't quite fit. Really there's only one missing link that would settle the questions he really hast.]

What of Tiamat?

[dealwiththe]

There was never anything dark about her. Though I suppose “goddess” is arguable.

[ He gets a faint smile thinking about her. They were friends!!! ]

She was the first woman. But she and Adam didn’t really hit it off, and he and my Father, as they were wont to do, decided it was her fault. So she got the old “kicked out of Paradise” treatment.

[ He absently fiddles with something just off-camera for a moment. ]

Tiamat. Doesn’t really ring a bell. Another name for Lilith? When you live as long as we do, and consort with mortals a lot, they tend to give us a lot of names.

[bilocates]

[It's strange how very human this being is. Full of a kind of fondness that Simon could only really hope to wonder at. Wholly alien to him. That aside the information he has to offer is interesting but still inconclusive.

They very well may not be from the same world or universe, and all of this might be moot as far as it has to do with his own world.]

Unless she was also a Sumerian goddess of creation and destruction, and a dragon, I don't think so.

[dealwiththe]

Wouldn’t put it past her. I mean, I’ve been depicted as all sorts of things over the millennia. Humans are funny like that.

[ Yeah, it could be a multiverse thing - or not! He’s hardly all-knowing. Wrong deity.

Anyway he’s still just… smiling faintly. Talking about Lilith always makes him nostalgic. ]

[bilocates]

[Humans are funny like that. Yes, wrong deity indeed and honestly by now Simon's fairly certain that it's unnecessary to bring up anything about tall shadowy demonic figures or people with upside-down faces. He thinks he'll keep that to the Evangelical Skeptic and Alex.

However...]

...Are you ill?

[Simon doesn't understand fond emotions.]

[dealwiththe]

Never been ill in my life.

[ Lucifer shakes himself out of memory lane to flash a bright smile at the faceless person. ]

I don’t believe I caught your name?