video; un: lux

[dealwiththe]

[ Ah look, a new, and very handsome, face on the network! Enjoy your first look at Lucifer, residents of Navi. You're welcome.

He looks about forty, and sounds British, though he is of course neither. His smile, while wide and brilliant and charming, doesn't quite reach his eyes, which can best be described as "sad puppy dog brown". He's very well-dressed, though there might be a drop of blood or two on the otherwise-pristine collar of his white dress shirt - from a cut that's healing nicely on his temple. ]

Right, introductions are in order, I think. I'm Lucifer - Morningstar, yes, that one. Ruler of Hell, Satan, Beelzebub, all of that, but probably not the Devil you know. I'd rather keep the murder attempts at a minimum, they're very annoying. I don't lie, I don't kill, and I don't eat babies - that was a joke, I had no idea Dante would take me literally on that one. Milton got a little closer to the truth but the metaphors are always way off!

[ He sighs, shrugs, and pulls out a flask, taking a swig from it, then scowling at it for a moment. ]

Right, so, ask away, everyone always has questions, but I have a few as well. I don't suppose anyone has any decent liquor on board?

[ He tips the flask, and nothing comes out. He's empty. SAD TROMBONE. ]

And can we make requests? Perhaps we can try to stop off at a planet with a halfway decent piano bar next. It's been ages since I've seen the inside of one that wasn't a Hell loop.

Comments

audio; un: panoptes

[sisterswitch]

Well, you can always ask Navi, but you might need to explain what a piano bar is. It’s not like they’ve ever gone out for drinks.

ETERNALLY VIDEO HOW DARE U NOT SHOW HIM UR FACE

[dealwiththe]

Get me a Steinway and a few bottles of whiskey and I'll show them. The observation room might be a good spot, it just needs a bit of mood lighting.

audio | un: dasilva

[ungodlily]

...you didn't think Dante would take you literally? Have you seen humanity? They're pretty good at taking anything literally.

Always video you people and your audio only!!!

[dealwiththe]

They’re unpredictable. I mean, there’s the snake and the apple which is hilariously inaccurate even as a metaphor, and then there’s “oh Lucifer likes to eat babies!”

I despise children, for the record. Prefer to keep them as far away from my person as possible.

[ungodlily]

[ That makes her snort quietly, a half chuckle. Sharon's not a big fan of children herself and cannot blame him in the slightest. ]

Luckily, I don't think you're gonna have to worry about being around little kids here. But given that you're the bad guy to... however many people do the whole bible thing, I'm sure they think you do worse things than just eating babies.

[dealwiththe]

Yes, obviously. One of the things that is quite predictable about humans is their ability to foist responsibility for their own actions onto someone else.

Frequently, myself.

[ungodlily]

They are kind of told you're the root cause of all their temptation and shit. I think most of them imagine you like... Uh, shit, like one of those devils on your shoulder kind of thing. All their bad thoughts, well, those aren't their thoughts, they're obviously influenced by some spooky red guy with horns and hooves.

UN: hidden | audio (distorted)

[bilocates]

[One more to add to the pile of those who refuse to show their faces. This one sounds just shy of distorted, at that.

He's not really sure what to make of this person. Or if he even should call attention to himself at all but he's just so... ostentatious. How can you not?]

There's wine in a box in the kitchen.

[Somehow he's certain that is the opposite of what this man is looking for. So certain, that Simon just really needs to see how he'll respond.]

[dealwiththe]

Yes, I’m very aware. And, as you can see, no horns! Also I’m far too large to sit on anyone’s shoulder.

Surely you must have some questions for me, rather than just telling me things I already know?

[dealwiththe]

[ Lucifer would be inclined to make some comment about all these weirdly secretive and paranoid humans but then this one says that. Oh, hell no. ]

Do I look like the sort of devil who would drink wine... out of a box?

[ He looks both disgusted and slightly contemptuous. ]

[bilocates]

[Everyone is weird and shy here.]

A can, then?

[Now he's definitely just messing with him.]

[dealwiththe]

[ He scoffs. ]

Nothing good ever came from a can.

[ungodlily]

Yeah, the lack of horns is kind of a shame. [ Flatly.

Questions, though? She didn't truly have any to ask, never having been invested in that particular religious brand. Except... ] What's your hell like?

[bilocates]

[You know he's okay with skipping right past the whole existential crisis part and just trolling this man. He's delightful!]

I disagree.

Whipped cream.

[dealwiththe]

I make up for it in other ways.

[ Look at that charming, shit-eating grin! ]

Oh, Hell? It’s different for everyone, because it’s all about your guilt.

[dealwiththe]

Ah, you have me there. Putting whipped cream in a can was one of the cleverer things humans have done in the last seventy-odd years. Very versatile.

[bilocates]

Pre-whipped and portable, optimal convenience.

I always expected the Devil to be more intimidating.

[sisterswitch]

Oh, I’d fund it. Do you know anything by The Clash? Maybe a little Bad Religion?

[she’d show her face if requested! it’s just more in her nature to stick to the shadows and out of sight, being a literal monster without a human soul.]

I’m Jack, by the way. And before you hear it from anyone else - yes, I’m a witch, but no, not one of your people. I’m an atheist. You can ask Murmur - have you met Murmur?

[dealwiththe]

And probably more evil, too. Common mistake. My Dad has great propagandists.

[dealwiththe]

I sincerely doubt I’ll need help with funding, [ Even lacking access to his considerable bank accounts, he can certainly charm his way into just about anything he wants ] but I’m more than happy to take requests for my first set whenever I get my hands on a decent instrument. And you seem to have good taste.

[ There’s that beautiful, charming smile again. ]

And thank Dad for small favors, I suppose. I don’t have people, all those so-called Satanists who don’t have any dress sense and get pentagrams tattooed all over themselves certainly don’t have anything to do with me.

But I have met Murmur, he’s a delight. Mean right hook. Also thought the most fun thing I could do in church is argue with the priest. [ Mur might be responsible for that injury!!! ]

[bilocates]

Definitely. The root of it all, in fact.

[He already knew better, that's just good old fashioned humans.]

The propagandists, you mean religions?

[Simon's not a big fan of the religious.]

[dealwiththe]

Sure, if that's what you want to call humans making up stories about me and also inventing all sorts of nonsensical rules for themselves.

Then again, I've seen humans who claim no religion try to kill me upon finding out who I really am. So there you go. Millennia of cultural baggage, all on my shoulders.

[bilocates]

It's the word we have.

[He thinks the whole thing is dumb and also hates it a lot so don't mind him. He really hates praying.]

How often does that happen?

[Wait can he be killed?]

[dealwiththe]

[ Lucifer shrugs eloquently. ]

It's always a toss-up, when they see proof. Sometimes they simply go insane and - well. There's insanity, catatonic states, attempted murder, simply running away screaming...

[bilocates]

[Yep that all sounds par for the course.]

Constructing cults in your honor?