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UN: fuckthis

[Have an extremely exhausted sounding British man with more than a little edge of bitter sarcasm in his tone.]

Well, I suppose I should be grateful that it's not a goddamn tape recorder.

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For a nerd you really don’t know much about time travel do you? If I blew up the Unknowing before you died and came here, and you remember me doing that then I don’t have the choice not to go back. But even if I did, there’s no way I’d ever stay home. That thing killed my brother and if Elias couldn’t keep me away from it, then there’s no way in hell you can.

[It’s not tim being a dick. It’s just a simple and honest truth. They took Danny, they took Sasha. He’s going to hurt them as much as he can before he dies. That’s it. That’s the facts.]

As for losing me, you should have thought about that before you accused me of being a murderer. That’s entirely on you. Christ.

[Tim scrubs his hand across his face before he speaks again and thanks to the bite he received he can’t lie. ]

Before that, I would have walked through a fucking fire for you, Jon. You, Sasha and Martin. I went into the belly of fucking the worms for you. And you thought I killed an old lady who I barely ever even fucking met. You thought I was a killer and Sasha wasn’t Sasha and you didn’t even warn us about her before you went swanning off into the tunnels again. I really wish I could fucking hate you for that.

[jon is not going to argue with tim about time travel in a multiverse. he walked in here resolved not to argue with tim at all, in fact - tim has the right to be angry with him, jon doesn’t deny that. he acted like a complete clown show, and he regrets it all.

but tim’s bullheaded insistence on dying rings too close to home for jon, and what he says about walking through fire for jon is more than jon can hold at the moment. the frustration and grief he’s lived with for the past year and change boil up and over into angry words as jon utters an exasperated groan, pulls himself to his feet, and begins to pace the floor erratically with his pent-up energy.]

God damn it, Tim, will you just for once listen to reason? I don’t want you to die! I didn’t want Sasha to die, either, and I know it’s my fault, I couldn’t stop it and I didn’t know it’d happened until it was too late. If there was some way that I could trade my life to get her back, don’t you think I would do it? That’s not a choice I’d have to think about for even a second.

[jon halts his pacing for a moment, rubbing his hand over his mouth in agitation.]

I don’t know what you want from me, Tim. I screwed up. I was on edge after the Hive’s attack, I was under the influence of that - that thing, and I - I made some bad calls, all right? But I can’t change what I did - I can’t change any of it, or I would. So what do you want from me?

[he throws up his hands and shakes his head.]

I mean - Christ, Tim, do you want to just kill me yourself? Would that make you feel better? [jon takes a measured step toward tim, arms outstretched in offering.] Go right ahead! There’s plenty of knives about - stab me, slit my throat, do your worst. It won’t work - if a mob of robots couldn’t get the job done, I very much doubt you could - and even if it did work, it wouldn’t matter. I’d be brought back, and you’d have a very angry angel to contend with.

[rant more or less over, jon drops his face into his hands with another strangled, wordless sound of vexation. he sighs deeply and pulls his head up again, outwardly calmer but no less inwardly upset.]

And what’s that supposed to mean, “you wish you could hate me for that”? Seems like you’ve got quite a list already of things to hate me for, why not just add one more to the pile?

BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING HATE YOU AND I DON'T WANT YOU DEAD, ALRIGHT?

[Following that, Tim just stares at Jon entirely stunned, because that's definitely both not what he was going to say and not what he realized he'd thought. Well, have of it at least. He already knew from Jon's telling him that he died that Tim didn't want him dead, but he'd really thought that he hated him. Hating Jon is easier and less complicated than anything else given what happened, but that doesn't make it any less truthful.]

[jon expected yelling; that’s how these fights with tim have gone, traditionally. he expected anger, or being cursed at, or even violence. he’d just invited tim to attack him, after all, and maybe a good punching out would make both of them feel better.

so while jon expects the emotion and volume of tim’s words, he doesn’t expect what they actually say. it feels to jon like all of the air’s been sucked out of the room. deeply stunned, mouth left open for words that don’t materialize, jon unconsciously wraps his arms around himself. after what seems like an eternity, jon finally shakes himself from the daze and remembers how words work.]

You don’t …

[jon huffs a breath that isn’t even a whisper of a bitter laugh but wishes it were and blinks back the start of tears. jon can’t explain it even to himself, but this confession actually hurts more than being hated and wished dead. somewhere in the past few years, that became normal. instinctively, jon reverts to the harsh facade he’d created as armor to protect himself, and his next words take on a much sharper edge:]

Why not? [i do.] Is the club too crowded for you?

[an asshole thing to say, jon knows this before the words even leave his mouth, and the armor crumbles as quickly as it went up.]

Sorry, I’m sorry, I just - [jon rubs a hand over his mouth and shakes his head. with an almost despairing quality to his voice, he says:] I don’t understand.

[and no, he’s not going to “archivist” an explanation out of you, tim.]

Yeah. You’re not the only one.

[Tim doesn’t bother not trying to sound bitter when he says it because he is. All of this would be easier if he did hate Jon and he knows it. Unfortunately nothing about Timothy Stoker’s life has been easy since his brother Danny had died.]

Hating you is just too easy I guess. Or because I reckon Sasha and Danny wouldn’t want me too. Not for them.

[Which is more truth and he hates that. He basically hates everything on this fucking ship. ]

What about for yourself?

[it would be more than justified - jon had treated tim very badly, and he hadn’t really made any efforts to make amends for it. when confronted, he’d been defensive, made excuses for himself, and stubbornly refused to budge from his unfounded suspicions. at the very least, jon owes tim a long overdue apology. he sighs deeply and cautiously approaches the chair to slump down in it again.]

Tim, I - I know it doesn’t change anything and I know you don’t forgive me, I’m not asking you for that. But I am sorry I acted like such a - a paranoid lunatic.

[those were the words tim used during a fight, and he wasn’t wrong. jon did go off the deep end, and he couldn’t see it until he was already drowning.]

I should’ve trusted you. I should’ve been there for you, I - I should’ve done a lot of things differently. [he pauses for a moment, then adds, in a tone a half shade lighter:] Unfortunately, as you’ve already noted, I am quite useless when it comes to time travel.

[For a long time, too long probably given everything Tim doesn't say anything. Honestly, he doesn't know what to say. How could he have any fucking clue when literally everything about this entirely unprecedented? Back home, he never would have pictured that he and Jon would be able to talk about anything (well, if this actually counted as talking, he guesses, considering the amount of yelling involved) but Martin hadn't been wrong when he'd convinced Tim to make his statement about his brother and how it very likely would have ended up in a knock down drag out fight between himself and the archivist.

Picking up his drink and taking a long sip of it, Tim's throat works and his jaw is tight. He doesn't regret calling Jon that, because that's what he was being at the time, and there's no denying it. Yes, there may have been things that were intentionally going out and making his boss' paranoia worse, but that didn't mean that it had been right. They both know that, and the fact that Jon's apologizing--something that Tim didn't even think he knew how to do, never mind that he would--doesn't change it.

As far as they know there's no power that controls time travel and even if there was, Tim is pretty certain that it would only make things worse. God knows that the Powers don't need any help in things being fucking awful.

When he finally does speak, Tim just sighs:]

You're right. I don't forgive you.

[Tim doesn't know that's not news or that essentially, it was in a part of the monologue that were the last words of Timothy Stoker.]

And I don't know why I don't hate you. But I'm not going to kill you or try to hurt you.

[Then he laughs softly.]

But I probably do owe you if it means that I got to blow up the thing that killed Danny.

[time and distance have brought jon perspective. a year, who knows how many galaxies, a few deaths - all of these factors have shaped jon’s attitude toward his past behavior and tim’s (perfectly legitimate) complaints. he hadn’t apologized at the time because he hadn’t felt it was warranted; he knows now that it is.

tim’s reaction to the apology is better than jon allowed himself to hope for. all of jon’s bad behavior is much more recent for tim, and jon wouldn’t have been surprised if the other man had simply told him to fuck off. he’ll count this as a win - maybe not quite an arrival at equilibrium, but certainly closer than they had been before.]

You don’t owe me anything, [jon says, allowing himself a thin, grim shade of a smile.] But I do wish you’d reconsider the notion that you have to die in order to achieve justice for your brother.

[he won’t hammer on it now, it would only undo whatever sliver of progress seems to be made with tim. he’ll just have to think of a way to convince tim over time, maybe enlist navi’s help in getting tim back to a different point in time, whenever they arrive where such travel is possible. until then … well, he can offer his own perspective on dying. maybe an attempt at being less aggressively secretive will help his case. jon sits forward a bit in his chair and lightly clears his throat.]

Tim, when I said that you couldn’t kill me, I wasn’t posturing. That’s one of the ways I’m different now - you’d need to wield some kind of significant supernatural power. And from what I Know, you’ve been able to put up enough resistance to the Eye to keep anything like that at bay.

[jon isn’t going to bare his soul unprompted, but he’s willing to have an open discussion, if tim’s interested. and he’s left enough hints that he’s certain tim is smart and observant enough to pick up, if he wants to know more about why jon is so certain in his claim.]

I'm not going to reconsider it, Jon.

[Tim says the words entirely matter of factly, without any sort of pretense or apology for it. While he wouldn't have admitted it before, not unless someone had compelled him to do so, right now the little critters did the same thing without Jon needing to worry that Tim was going to hate him for it after. (Well, if he hated him after, so far Tim wasn't having all that much luck getting it to stick so far, but that might be the thing that pushed him over the edge into it.) But he also doesn't look at Jon when he says it, instead staring straight ahead as he takes another long sip of his drink before reaching out for another bottle and filling it up well above the line of what a proper sort of pour would be. Proper pours are right out the window and that's even before the conversation that the two men are having, and the two men that are currently having it.

Later, he'd probably think more about what Jon had said, read between the lines of his words--well, that's if Tim manages to stay sober enough to remember his words--but for right now, he's not doing it. Instead he's taking them at face value, considering that his former boss would know what he's talking about, given how much shit he randomly just Knows now. Hell, he probably should be glad or grateful that Jon never did the weird Knowing thing to him, even it definitely would have made him punch him in the face at the archives.]

I've been planning my vengeance since before I even worked in the archives, and it only got more honed when I was there.

[And then because he can't seem to find it in him to lie still, Tim just looks down at the drink, avoiding looking at him.]

And because I don't want to keep working for that thing that fucking owns the Institute, Jon. Sure, we stopped the world from being destroyed one way, and Gertrude Robinson had been doing it for years, but do you really think that every other Entity is going to try and destroy the world but the Eye won't? It's just a matter of time before it does.

[While Tim's voice is steel, it's not angry. It's just determined and matter of fact.]

And I would rather be dead then help that fucking happen.

[tim makes a good point. jon bites back the argument building in his throat, something about how beholding may not be able to complete its ritual if he never returns, but that would be too simple a solution, wouldn’t it, and jon doesn’t know (or Know) that the archivist truly is such a key figure in all of it. for all he knows, elias could tap some other unsuspecting employee to take his place. and jon really doesn’t want to fight with tim anymore. he lets out a loud sigh and shakes his head.]

I understand. I don’t agree with you … but I understand your perspective.

[jon presses his mouth into a thin frown. he doesn’t like this at all, and he is resolved to do what he can in secret to thwart tim’s death wish while he’s on the ship.]

It’s all a bit irrelevant while we’re here anyway. I don’t think the Eye or any of the others have a terribly strong influence on … wherever we are.

[If Jon asked Tim, he'd say that he suspects that Elias could do it with anyone from the archives. There's a reason that none of them could quit when they'd wanted to, why he'd gotten so sick when he was so far away from the Institute, why he'd brought in Melanie, Basira and Daisy. While Tim never would have done anything that Elias wanted (and to be fair to Melanie and Basira, he doesn't think that they would either. If Daisy had become Elias' tame dog in order to save Basira, then Tim suspects that she would do whatever she needed to do in order to keep her former partner safe. Even if it was still up in the air what kind of partners they actually were.) they both know that the bastard is extremely good at manipulating people, and for as much as Martin had come up with the plan to put Elias in jail, Tim also doesn't doubt in the slightest that Martin would probably do almost anything else to save the man who he's standing here sort of having a drink with. It's a powerful thing, love, even if the person you're in love with is a complete fucking wanker who can Know things and is a servant of the Eye and somehow still doesn't see it.

For a long moment, he considers what Jon says about the Eye and the other Powers not having an influence here. While Tim isn't sure if he believes him or not right now, he just shrugs and then slams back his drink. When he finally does ask the question, it's simple and basic:]

Do you still just randomly Know things here, Jon?

[Yes, you can hear the way that the word is capitalized in his voice.]

[jon nods slowly. he can guess tim won’t like his answer, but he won’t lie. if nothing else, he owes the other man honesty.]

Yes. But the, erm - the signal, I suppose you could call it, that isn’t as strong. And - and I still need to take statements, or I start feeling weak, or sick - just not as often as I did before. That’s what I mean, why I think they don’t have as much of an influence here. I can tell Beholding isn’t gone, I can still sense it, it’s just … far away.

[so jon thinks - he hopes - tim won’t be subject to the same kind of distance-sickness as when he tried to leave the institute. but just in case ...]

Tim … if you start to feel, erm - unwell, will you tell me? I don’t know if there’s anything I could do to help with it, but there are others on board who might, I don’t know, erm - devise some kind of magical ward against it, perhaps.

[From where Tim is from, he doesn't know about how Jon can take statements in the wild from people. He doesn't know about how Jon had fed off of random people. He knows what Elias can do, certainly, because he remembers Melanie and Martin and how fucked up they got, though. It's not the entire picture--something that is the norm for Tim more than anything else since he'd started working in the archives.--but it does give him enough of one to begin to pieces together.]

So, we could still get sick from being away like how I did when I tried to run?

[There's anger in the words certainly, because there can't not be, but this time they're not pointed in Jon's direction. This wasn't his fault and Tim knows it. No, the blame of it entirely belongs to elias' bitch ass and he knows that if he ever got the chance he'd kill the monster so that they could be free. All he fucking wants is vengeance and to be free and right now it looks like he'd only gotten it about half right rather than anything else.

Remembering the way that he'd ended up getting so fucking sick in Malaysia that he practically needed to come crawling back, not only to London but to the Institute itself, tim's scowl is so deep he doesn't know if he's ever going to be able to keep it off when it comes to this fucking place.]

So Navi can't stop whatever Elias and the Eye did? I might end up getting sicker and sicker and weaker and there's not a thing that Navi can do about it? Well, isn't that just fucking perfect. Should have known there'd be a catch beyond just the fucking tape recorders and you being here.

[jon expects tim’s anger, he’s prepared for it, but that doesn’t make hearing it any easier. with a rueful frown, he shrugs and shakes his head.]

I don’t know, Tim. I’m only guessing, based on what I’ve experienced, but I don’t know for certain - or Know, for that matter. Navi can feel what we feel, but they can’t lessen the pain. They’re mentally linked with all of us but that’s the extent of their supernatural powers, if - if you can even call it that.

[well … maybe also the death revival, but that seems based in science, and both murmur and persephone had a hand in that as well.]

There are other people on the ship who have skills in varying types of magic - which I know sounds ridiculous, but it’s not. It’s real. I’ve seen it. And I - I don’t know if any of them can do anything about, erm - breaking the Eye’s hold on you, but perhaps something could be done to - I don’t know, shield you from it?

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