eyemind | event } you're never gonna fit in much, kid.

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event } you're never gonna fit in much, kid.

WHO: Open to all passengers.
WHAT: Teen time!
WHERE: Anywhere on Navi.
WHEN: The next two weeks (Sept. 11-25).
WARNINGS: Add these to your comment subject lines as needed! And if your teen angst includes a body count, please report it on the death page.

When Navi wanders through this particular nebular cloud, you may find yourself feeling sleepy. Wouldn’t a nap be fantastic right now? Of course it would be. Treat yourself - you deserve it.

When you wake, however … that’s perhaps less of a treat. Where are you? (Or maybe who are you?) How did you get here? And why, when you look in the mirror, do you look so much older than you remember?

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Lucifer frowns at that. He's not always the sharpest tool in the shed, but he is suddenly struck by the fact that Richard seems a little... off.

"I didn't think you were, that's the whole point," he says, brow furrowing. "I'm just hoping it doesn't take you five years and two trips to Hell to finally seal the deal. You've not tried any romantic gestures?"

Adult Richard would make dinner and set out candles. Adult Richard has eaten take-out with Alex. Adult Richard would kiss her passionately in the pool while getting drunk with her and kissing her hard but fighting conflict but also...

"...Alex isn't one for romantic gestures." He waves off a hand and straightens, staring down at the remains of his sandwich, "She's just- fun. You know we're taking it slow."

"...Right. You probably just haven't found the right one, yet. It's one thing if she's not into flowers and chocolates - have you tried jewelry?"

Lucifer has done the jewelry thing. It worked pretty well!

That.

"It might matter to her. I don't know if she's had anyone do that for her before. It would have to be special, significant to her. And nothing extravagant. What did you do?"

He is so glad you asked, Richard! Both because he's still very proud of himself for coming up with it, and because it's a good story, and he loves telling a good story. Especially about himself.

"I gave her a pendant made from the bullet she shot me with!" he says, eyes sparkling with delight. "To commemorate the first time a human made me bleed."

What the fuck.

Richie visibly recoils before raising an eyebrow and then struggling to regain his composure. Maybe he's thinking of Louise Lorainne at home but ...

"...w-why?" It's stammered but he's proud he sits still, "Why ho-honor that?"

"Well, it's not every day a human makes the Devil bleed," Lucifer says with a grin, popping a cube of cheese into his mouth. "We weren't together together back then, but I like to think the necklace helped things along a bit. She made the Devil bleed, and now she's the Devil's girlfriend."

This mysterious woman he's dating is apparently insane and when Richie tries to think of doing something nice for this mysterious woman he can't imagine anything like that. His normal romantic gestures were dollar store candy for valentine's day, piggly wiggly Christmas things, and then the mall for stuff for Cheryl and his mother.

"...And she liked it?"

Lucifer blinks at the question. “The necklace? Yes, of course. She wears it all the time. Definitely one of my better gift ideas.”

Seeing her wear it always makes him feel… something. Something he can’t quite put words to, but a good, warm something in his chest.

Right.

"...I'll...keep it in mind." Richie moved to stand, "I'm going to...go now man." He nodded, "I mean I'll probably think of something good for her but it won't be that good you know?"

“Of course it won’t be that good,” Lucifer says smugly, grabbing his plate of munchies. “But it might at least get you laid. You sound like you need it.”

If Richard had coffee he would have spit it out. If he was drinking anything he would have spit it out across the floor because getting laid lol.

"Look. I have absolutely no problem with that. Whatosever. No problem period. I'm good at it."

And with that he's getting up, "So yeah. That's the whole point thank you."

Lucifer is very, very confused.

“Why do some humans think that repeating a lie several times and with increasing emphasis makes it more believable?”

He doesn’t expect Richard to answer - the man is acting a bit like his ass is on fire for some reason.

"Because it's a defense mechanism." Richard says this matter of factly, "We're afraid of being hurt so we tell people what we think they want to hear."

It's the kind of answer he'd give his father and he shrugs, weakly, "But I mean c'mon man. I'm only 16."

"You're - oh, bollocks," Lucifer says, rolling his eyes. "No wonder you're acting so strange. Navi's up to old tricks. You could've just said 'help I'm a pimply teenager trapped in a middle-aged man's body' you know."

Excuse you. And oh god he's middle aged. Of course he's middle aged. Richard looks uncomfortable before he clenches his fists, "I don't have to take those weird accusations. I am-"

Wait. He just said it.

"...So you know who I am." He sighs then. Defeated, "...Can you tell me what's going on?"

"We're trapped on an interdimensional, sentient ship called Navi. They're pretty accommodating, all things considered, but sometimes things happen that affect us - some, or all." Lucifer says this all like he's rattling off a list of phone numbers or something. "It seems their latest shenanigan is turning back the clock on some of you."

Okay. Out of all the reasons and all the things...

"So...what it turned me old? I look like my father." His mouth twists, "...Is this permanent? I can go back right?"

He's going back and getting plastic surgery. Frowning he cleans his glasses with a nervous twitch before rubbing at his wrists.

"You know it's ridiculous right? Things don't age like that. Humans don't age like it."

"No, no," Lucifer sighs and sets his plate of goodies down. "You are old. Navi reverted you back to your pimply self, but kept you in your same body. Congratulations: the mind of a horny teenager, but probably with more stamina."

He smiles generously. "I wouldn't personally know - I've never been a teenager and my stamina is preternatural."

"I didn't have pimples" yes he did. Thst's neither here nor there however as he crosses his arms, "And I don't now." He's just old and fat and-

"Wait so older me is dating this Alex person." It's coming together now. And it's the person he met but she was way younger than he was. Cute too.

God was he that guy? Dating a girl younger than he was?...

Richard feels himself go dizzy because she was cute. And smart. But also...

"i...is this gonna go back to normal?"

“I don’t know if you’re actually dating her,” Lucifer says cheerily. “You just remind me a lot of myself and the Detective, back when we were deep in our will-they-won’t-they phase.”

He slaps Richard on the back jovially. “Don’t worry. You’ll be back to your pedantic, professorial old self soon enough. A few days, tops. Probably best if you wait until then to put the moves on Alex, though. Otherwise it’d just be weird.”

"Professorial?" Oh god.

He grimaces and laughs weakly, "Thanks." Frowning, he runs a hand through his hair and bites his lip, "Thanks a lot."

"Well, you are a doctor of some sort, I believe. But not a medical one."

So yeah, very professorial.

"And you're welcome! Now, if you don't mind, I've got a ravenous girlfriend to get back to." He holds up the plate of edibles, making his way towards the exit. He would very much like to make his escape.

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event } you're never gonna fit in much, kid.

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