eyemind | Who or what are you (and why am I the way I am?)

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Who or what are you (and why am I the way I am?)

Who?: Mur and Richard Strand
What?: Richard has to confront a terrifying reality on the ship
When?: Monday-ish
Warnings?: Probably a lot of swearing. A lot of violence.
Notes: Rated T for teen

Richard Strand is troubled.

Alex is here, and Alex believes this place is good. Alex is a reasonable woman and it hurts him to think of her like this. Believing in this.

Still in it's own way it is pleasant to be here and he managed to acquire other clothing - a second suit, and a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt he has done his best not to let Alex see him in. He has never let his guard down around her. He can't. She thinks - or thought - that he had something to offer and here...

Being alone with his thoughts is difficult mostly because the longer he's here the more he has a headache. He dreams and it's like he's standing in a crowded room. It's a room full of whispering and he can't stand it because the longer he's here the worse it gets.

Case in point. Here he is in the cafeteria and the whispering is getting worse until -

There's something like a sun nearby.

It's blinding. No whispering just a gentle murmur and when he looks over there's that strange man that he saw earlier.

He blinks, and stares.

and blinks.

And stares.

He can't help it, staring at the man blankly while - awkwardly - holding a hand over his eyes like he's looking at the sun. As far as him - there is a loud sound of crashing waves roaring whenever looks at his mind.

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Tea was one of the very few luxuries Murmur allowed himself, and when he was on a mission for tea he was often single-minded in the task. Paying little attention to the others who dwelt within the ship alongside him. Oh, he was always faintly aware of where they were, that was simply a part of his being, but he didn't tend to pay specific attention until their attention was on him.

Like right about... now. He grew aware he was being watched as he went about his business, and upon looking over to confirm just who it was his brows furrowed.

Oh, he knew that look. He'd seen it often enough, though not typically when he was so well disguised. But that didn't matter in this case, did it? It would seem the skeptical doctor's walls had fallen much faster than he'd anticipated. Perhaps the influence of Navi's bond was at play, perhaps the various stresses of their voyage, or perhaps simply being in the company of so many supernatural beings simply wore it down. Whatever the case it was quite clear.

Strand knew, and Murmur was now very aware that Strand knew. Murmur turned his attention upon him, and boy was it ever apparent when he did. It was that sensation of being watched, amplified by a thousand, with a weight and pressure of so many unblinking eyes that not only could See but could peel away those layers and masks and defenses all spend so much of their lives constructing to peer at what lay beneath. To stare into the very soul laid bare.

He held that gaze, just a little longer than was polite, certainly longer than he had with Alex... mostly to make a point. He knows, he knows Strand knows, now what?

"You sound... troubled." Yes. Sound. That is the word he chose to use here.

"No."

Richard Strand is a master manipulator and liar...he thinks. He feels like it as a combination of circumstances makes him feel powerful and sneaky but here...

Here Alex Reagan knows everything. Here people know things and whisper things and there is this man-

Who is staring at him. Not just staring but staring and he wants to run. it's a new feeling. Scientific curiosity mixed with terror.

"I'm- do you have some sort of power?" Is this man an alien? That must be it. An alien species.

"If you do I'd like to ask you not to use it on me please. Thank you."

An amused sounds from Murmur, as he set about busying himself with tea. Two? Yes, he thinks two might be in order. Richard Strand may lie often, but masterfully Murmur would insist he is not.

He'd find those thoughts entertaining if he knew them, but he'd stopped peeking a moment ago.

"Only looking back at you staring at me, quite rude, I might add. I am not that blinding. Would you like a cup of tea?"

So he did have a power.

"I'm not going to be swayed by whatever ability you have. You're extremely blinding." Richard's hands fold as he does his best to stare the other - man? Being? Being seemed more apt.

The whispering, the feeling, and the sense of being stared at...

"I'm sure NAVI and the others on the ship don't appreciate it. I don't know how I didn't catch it before."

It would be silly to deny it with Strand sitting there holding up his hand like he were trying to navigate traffic driving into the sun.

"I am afraid I have little control over that, surprised you can see me now when you'd been unable to before." He doesn't sound surprised, then again Murmur always sounds pretty monotone so it's hard to tell. Fact is, he didn't expect Strand to lose his walls so quickly, but he is pleasantly surprised! Congratulations! Maybe.

"You are one of the few who can perceive past my guise so readily. Impressive, really."

Pardon?

Richard adjusts his glasses and avoids looking at him, "You've dropped the facade. It's not seeing anything. How do you function with so many...appendages. Seeing things?"

And then he snorts, "It's not a question of now. You've decided to do this.Because you're an alien."

Rolling his eyes, he nods, "I will take that tea if you tell me about your species." he pauses, "I find aliens fascinating."

"I have dropped nothing," He insists gently, the monotone not faltering at all as he busies about heating water for the tea. He's quite certain Richard's going to need his calm down time after, or during, this. "I am not strictly a physical presence as you understand it." Beyond that it's hard to explain, when you've always been wheels covered in wings and eyes and made up of light and math you just kind of function without questioning it.

That accusation, however, earned a bright laugh. "Oh, hardly. Though I suppose it also might not be wholly inaccurate. I have also quite enjoyed the description 'manifested algorithm'. However, once more, I assure you this is not intentional on my part. I do loathe these discussions after all and attempt to avoid them whenever I can."

Every tiresome time he has to do it. "I intended to make you a tea anyway." He's going to take it as a request, you're welcome.

"I'm a human being." He shakes his head, "I'm not capable of anything - Or at least I've never encountered anything like you. It's very possible that it's because you possess abilities that a human being doesn't."

It's his turn to begin to get annoyed. Almost like this being is hinting there's something off about him. Richard frowns and presses his lips together because it almost sounds like it's him that's doing it. That's what this thing is implying and he isn't. No matter what this thing or Tanis or anyone else thought...

"...Human beings don't have abilities beyond a potential standard here but I'm not seeing anything beyond what human beings are capable of."

"You sell yourself too short, I also don't think you are being entirely honest with yourself." There are plenty of humans who can see beyond what would be considered the norm to varying degrees. But, like Strand, they stop themselves. "As for not encountering anything like me that I will accept, we are exceptionally elusive. Our presence tends to cause problems among humans." Panic, worship, blood sacrifices. It's all very messy.

Oh Richard, it is you. It is absolutely you, and a bit frustrating because Murmur had wanted to play the game longer. Really he'd hoped that wall would stay up so he'd have an opportunity to wing bop him or something. No such luck.

"Just because you deny it to yourselves, blind yourselves, does not mean that it hasn't always existed. You simply lack the tools with which to measure it."

He's on firmer ground here but-

"You sound like someone I have crossed paths with." His eyes narrow and there is a very clear picture of a smirking yet totally calm and at peace with himself Tanis Braun. Braun who believes this is some sort of evolution, that this thing is some sort of-

"...I don't have any abilities." His mouth sets in a thin line, "I study them. I don't participate in delusions and as for what you are..."

Eyes. That's what he's imagining in his mind.

"...No." He moves to rise, "You're some sort of alien species because that is impossible. The church is a delusion created by men who want to con hardworking desperate people who could be devoting their lives to more."

"Oh?" He sounds almost amused, as amused as Murmur can manage anyway. He is grinning when he finally makes his way over with a pair of steeping teas for the both of them, setting Strand's in front of him.

"Lying does not become you, Dr. Strand." He reprimands gently, though there's an edge of warning there. He won't play gently forever.

However, he brightens again. "So you do know what I am," You played yourself, Strand. "As for the church I will confirm that it is a human institution by humans, for humans. We have had some unfortunate influence in the past, over enthusiasm on the part of my brethren. They did not foresee the long term outcomes."

So many eyes. So much light.

Stop it, Stop it, Stop it. He wanted alex's sense of wonder at this because she would at least try to say something to make him feel better. The rational that she cared. It hits him that she does care, she cares more than she should more than he deserves. She'd at least try and argue with him about this thing because he-

"Don't look at me. Don't look at me you're blinding." He has a headache, "Let me gather myself." His throat works and when he speaks it's with genuine emotion, "Please. I'm not psychic. Obviously you're seeing something else entirely. Obviously."

She would do a much better job of calming him down, Murmur isn't good at this part. He doesn't talk to humans on this level often enough. The more gregarious are usually in charge of that.

"Close your eyes and breathe," He suggests, stepping back to lean against the counter. He is, unfortunately, unable to dim his light any further. He's been holding it down since they all arrived, and as far as looking goes well he can't really stop doing that entirely either. Even if he'd love to do so.

"You know that isn't true, why does it pain you so?"

"Richard I won't tolerate these lies from you any longer."

"Father Cheryl is scared and I'm scared! Father please! They're giving us nightmares!-"

"Because you have allowed yourself to stupidly, foolishly, let yourself be swayed by your younger sister's childish antics."

"She's not a child! They're real, I've seen them, I've sensed them-"

That was when his hand came down.

"Because leading humans along like that is false and manipulative. People are desperate foolish children just waiting for a con man to take advantage of them." His head shakes, "It's ridiculous. Foolish and hurts them. and I won't let anyone do that."

Beneath his cruelty. Beneath his manipulation, he is a good man.

He wasn't looking intentionally, wasn't digging deeper than that which rested on the surface, yet he could still feel the pain. The child's grief and betrayal. There was more behind Richard's motives than mere stubbornness.

Perhaps he wasn't so lost.

"You're not wrong, the cruelty of man is terrible and great," There's a heaviness to his words, a great sorrow to the quiet song his essence sings. He understands. "Has your own deception protected them? Has it protected you?"

Or has it instead left him and those around him vulnerable to that which they don't understand?

No. No No No.

Why is his mind turning to someone needing to comfort him? He doesn't need anyone. Not Alex or Ruby or Tanis if you get close you get hurt. You get hurt and you get left alone.

Mr. Strand, you are going to have to face the prospect of jailtime.

He stands, features firm.

"Thank you for your time I apologize if my presence disrupted you."

The whispers run through his head and he knows, he knows it is the truth. That what this thing speaks is something that he has managed to avoid by filling his life with work. The sound of roaring waves. Crackling fires. Whispers.

Because he's human and that's normal. This self imposed isolation is not, all it does is wound those who care.

Murmur only bows his head slightly in acknowledgement. "At least take your tea," The space tea is very calming after all.

"No problem has ever been solved by avoidance, Dr. Strand. Should you require me, I think you know how to find me."

He'll not stop him, clearly the man needs some time to himself.

Richard just turns and glares.

"I'm not letting you manipulate me with this. If you -"

The brightness, the eyes. He presses his lips together thinly and bares his teeth.

"Your kind owes us a lot more than you might be willing to pay."

And he turns and stalks off.

Why Richard is here is a mystery to him but Alex at least isn't going to judge him for this. His father's voice is ringing in his ears and he hates that he knows she'd be in her room. She would be here and enjoying herself. He knows that because He is just like Tanis -

It's not real. None of it is real. This is more real, this space ship, this person. But at least Alex cares and she is a friend.

He knocks, and if and when she opens the door she'll find a disheveled looking man with a hangdog expression, "...Alex. May I come in?"

"Before you start throwing stones about manipulation, you may want to issue a few apologies." He offers flippantly, unconcerned.

Right up until he throws his next accusation. The temperature drops sharply, pointedly, almost painfully. Richard would see his own breath, though Murmur strangely had none. That weight is back, the oppressive pressure of far too many eyes.

But he said nothing, reigning in that flare of anger before he could spit too much venom in Strand's direction. What did he know about sacrifice?

Alex had been in her room just doing some cleaning, one of the things that were the most normal for her at this point considering that she couldn't go out and do things and entertainment on board the ship was extremely rare considering everything else. She doesn't expect to find Richard at her door, but when she sees him looking like he'd looked when everything had been going on with Coralee, Alex can't keep the frown from her face.

"Of course. What's going on?" There's a reflex to want to hug him, but Alex doesn't and instead she just takes a step back to let him into her cabin.

It's echoing. It's like he's down at the bottom of a well staring upward and it's never been this bad before.

Ever.

because I fill my time with science. I work. I work to avoid the dreams. I work

"...Stop. stop." His throat clenches. His mind instinctively pushes in the direction of the thing like a kitten staring down a lion.

Does he run? Is he afraid absolutely because he can hear his father's voice as he glares back, drawing himself up with his cup of tea his hands shaking. Walking away.

How do you explain that you can't sleep because your mind is running rampant through the ship hearing whispers.

He glances around the cabin, pacing and pulling at his flannel cuffs before he adjusts his glasses.

"I thought we could- I could borrow some books if you have them." He pauses, " I am...a ravenous reader. I don't sleep well without-"

Without someone beside him

"A book."

Even if it's a fictional person.

"Yeah, sure of course. I've got a couple that I picked up when I found the show. I've not really read them yet, so I can't vouch for how good they are. Here, take a seat." Does Alex actively try to forget the last time he was here and they got drunk together? Yep. Is she worried about him, also yep.

"Do you want some tea or something? You don't seem very much like yourself." And no, she's not offering him a drink because that had gone so fucking terribly last time.

"Yes." He sits quickly,"I'm not good at sitting still. I'm always reading. I can usually manage two to three books over a couple of days."

Jesus. He barely knows this woman but sitting and staring at the table he gestures, "what do you do to pass the time?"

It's nice to be around her. She's not asking things of him. She just thinks he's powerful and good and mysterious and -

you could see. Pause and think, reach into her mind...

"Here or at home."

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Who or what are you (and why am I the way I am?)

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TW: Child abuse mentions

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For Alex

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