eyemind | you've got to choose between your faces

For a moment, Alex doesn’t know what to say to that. It’s weird enough to have Strand not denying the fact that he’s Psychic never mind the fact that he could hear her coming. There is a hint of apprehension in her mind now because yes, even though she’s had five different people in her mind none of them have been Richard Strand. Richard Strand who has at times (especially lately) has felt like an enemy and also (before) definitely had felt like something that she’s not going to allow herself to think of. It’s complicated on a level that’s a hundred times worse than it had been back home and now it feels like it might be a thousand times more complicated.

Realizing that her hand is still on his own, Alex draws it away and uses it to pick up her tea and taking a sip. While it’s not coffee, it’s not exactly bad and it buys her some time to think about what to say to him about that.

In the end, Alex goes with what she does best in order to defuse awkward situations: she makes a bad joke. “Well, I guess that’s the PNW girl in me: all the rain has to come from somewhere.” Even if Seattle didn’t really have thunderstorms like how Alex is imagining that she might be in his head.

"Calm yourself down next time. It was frightening - and it might hurt it makes me wonder if this is how Tannis feels or felt or..." He sighs, "I apologize. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

He stares at his hands, "In any case. I have not given your information enough of a look and I will." He sighs, "It is...difficult. You said you know everything about me, so you surely know about my history. It's safer to be skeptical."

For me but he does not say it.

Edited 2021-06-08 17:01 (UTC)

It's a struggle in Alex to not say something then, even though she wants to. There's a little bit of her (perhaps slightly more than a little bit) that wants to tell him to fuck off with telling her how to feel and to calm down when she's angry. Alex Reagan has had enough of Strand and Nic playing off her emotions as something that she should control and that they're somehow both more intense and less rational than theirs are because she's a woman. If she wasn't trying to smooth things out, she would have been more apt to sharpen her words into something about that and telling him to fuck off, but instead, for the moment, Alex just counts down from twenty before she speaks.

It's a very calm voice for Alex, but there's the simmering of heat below it. "I'm allowed to be angry with you, Richard. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to feel it especially considering how long and how much you'd been manipulating me. And it happened way before where I'm from in the timeline. You started doing it when you first returned my calls, and then continued it when you called me back with the Unsound tape. Which means that it's actually you manipulating me and not some like...nebulas version of you that happens because of our time together. I get that this is a lot. I get that being a skeptic has protected you. But it doesn't protect me and it never did."

Which frankly is the truth, because if his being a skeptic protected her, then Alex wouldn't have turned into the haunted, unsleeping person that she is who is being both attacked by demonic dreams and actual people using the show to terrify the hell out of her and make her seem like she's losing her mind.

"So, don't tell me to calm down. I have a right to my anger. And I have a right to being upset with you. You were using me this entire time to flush out your wife and the people who were responsible for her going missing. That changes everything from the past two years. Even that night you finally told me at least some of what was going on. I thought it meant..." She thought that it meant that the two of them were connected and that she wasn't just imagining things and that... "Well, it doesn't matter what I think. What I thought it was wasn't real. It was just you not telling me the whole truth again."

He takes a breath and then another and resists the urge to get angry because he doesn't need to be psychic to know it's Simon that did this but he'd have words with him later. That said when Alex says I thought it meant...

What did she think? What did he think?

"You had a platform and a position and you were interested in me." He pauses, "No one...is interested in my work outside of it being sensationalist and wanting to win a million dollars. You're the first person in a very long time who has thought that I'm worth anything. And I thought that...I could use you to fix things for me. And I'm sorry."

Can you blame me he thinks You used me too. You found everything. Am-Am I at fault here? Or...

"Then you found out everything about me and wore through my defenses. I'm sorry I manipulated you, it clearly backfired." His throat works, "And you found out more about me than I intended."

Is there an edge to that. Yes. Yes there is.

"You are...tenacious and stubborn and very good at what you do and I..." He harrumphs, "...Well."

Edited 2021-06-09 01:07 (UTC)

For a moment, Alex doesn't know what to say. The part of her that's been on edge with him since he'd first arrived and they've gotten drunk in her canon wants to snap at him like a reflex and assume that he's lying. The Alex from back home and who remembers how he was that night wants to believe him. And right now the two Alex's with their two very different relationships with the man in front of her at this point. But if there's one thing that neither Strand has ever been very good at is apologizing to her. An apology from Richard Strand is an occurrence that Alex can count on one hand without the use of her entire fingers. This one brings the grand total of them up to three, and she's sure that the first one was just another part of the manipulation game that Strand had been playing with her when he'd wanted to come back.

The edge though isn't unexpected, but it feels like there's always one between them right now--Alex is starting to think that they don't know how not to be sharp to one another. It's sad and it settles into her stomach around that and she just closes her eyes and counts so that she doesn't end up snapping back. It's not going to help anything, and it never did. Maybe it never well, considering things.

He leaves again. Even if Strand comes back he still leaves again, and Alex instinctively knows that what happened after her arrival probably is very bad indeed. Bad enough that she would have wanted him there. Well, at least until he'd admitted to her that he'd manipulated her anyway.

"You what?" The question is quick, and she meets his eyes. "Well, isn't an answer, Richard." Alex adds before he can brush her off.

He runs from conflict like this. He wants to run now. He wants to run because it's easier if he leaves than anyone else does. When he leaves first, no one can leave him. Not like Coralee. Not like Charlie. Fool me once shame on me. Fool me twice...

Pulling off his glasses and setting them down on the table he stares at them. He's clearly struggling to bolt. He clearly wants to run. The ghost of Howard Strand hangs in the air in front of him always. Are you surprised? It's a good thing that she's seeing through your bullshit. You are a rotten little liar boy. his hands slightly tremble but it is a testament to the man's iron will that he doesn't break his cool.

He stays.

"I don't...I don't know what you want me to say." His throat works, "I don't know why you wanted to talk to me. You left eleven phone calls...no one has ever done that. I wanted to keep you engaged, I got overly ambitious because no one cares. I'm a bastard and a liar but you...you wanted to know."

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. When he's reached something that feels like calm, and the ice in his gaze has cracks in it. It's still there when he meets her gaze. It's just broken. Just hurt.

Then it's gone.

Inhale, exhale.

"...There. That's it. I deserve whatever vitriol is thrown at me from you and from ..." His lip curls, "Simon. I deserve it."

It feels like he's going to explode, "If that's not the answer you want I don't have any others to give you. I will listen to this and I will re-adjust my conclusions. I give you my word."

In many ways, this reminds Alex of that night back at Howard's house after they'd driven around for a while following Coralee's leaving again. There's the same sort of sense of him being torn down and ripped into ribbons only last time she'd been the one who was dealing with the fall out rather than the one who'd caused all of this. She doesn't like feeling like the one who's caused all of this; the sensation of it settles down into an iron weight at the core of her stomach chilling her from within.

Despite knowing that she shouldn't feel guilty for this, because she'd stood up for herself in ways that she should have ages before, Alex can't help but to do it. Maybe there was a difference between this Strand and the one who had kept the façade of everything up for so long, reinforcing the manipulation each time he'd made a selection from his collection of tapes. He'd curated her experiences, relating each tape into some part of the mystery of his wife and then lying about their connections even when she'd been able to spot them directly. But Strand was still Strand for all of the wishing on his behalf that this was some sort of different universe that they were from. She knows that if he'd brought her that first tape, that he'd bring the others, that he'd manipulate her and leave and come back and all of that.

Strand saying that he doesn't know why Alex wanted to talk to him makes her think on why she had wanted to. There'd been a reason that she'd called him eleven times and that she'd gone to his publisher. At the time, not even Alex had thought that it was a good reason, but that didn't mean that she didn't make those phone calls, that she didn't go find him in Chicago when he'd been a half-mad recluse, that she wouldn't still be waiting for him even when he'd left her again. "I did want to know." The words are soft in both sound and manner, and she finds herself reaching out to rest one of her hands on his again. "I called you because as soon as I heard your name, as soon as I looked you up and heard you talk, I felt like I'd had to call you. Every time someone brought you up to me again, it only made me feel like I had to do it even more. It's the same reason why I even listened to your message again in the first place."

But there's more. There's more and Alex feels the brokenness in him in the same way that she had that night when he'd offered her a drink. Maybe it's madness or stupidity, but Alex knows that she's not going to run away from him in the same ways that he'd always done it from her. "I never didn't care. Even when I was at my most angry, even here it wasn't because I didn't care. I don't know how not to care actually. It would have been easier if I didn't care because I would have just stopped calling or let you be. But I didn't do that. I wouldn't." And that's truth too, she wouldn't leave him in this alone, even when it was smarter to do it. Alex Reagan had never made the smart choice and she wasn't about to do it now.

He is a psychologist. He knows that this is not healthy, and neither of them are healthy but when her hand touches his and she talks he doesn't start.

"...I hate to ruin your impression of me but I'm something of a pariah in my communities." He means to be snarky and self-deprecating but instead he sounds sad and regretful, "...Alex." His heart flutters, "Don't hurt yourself because of me. No one should."

He puts his larger hand over hers and inhales again, "No one should over anyone."

It's not healthy, it never has been and Alex knows it. It's not healthy for reasons that Strand doesn't even know about yet (well, probably, she doesn't remember all that much of the time that they'd gotten drunk after he'd arrived) and there's that to consider. If she was smarter, no if she were wiser because Alex is smart but wisdom isn't something that anyone would ever accuse her of having then she would have just let him stay gone after he'd left when she'd discovered proof of Coralee being alive and who Sexy James Bond actually was.

But she didn't, anymore than she really could have left him alone for an extended period of time when they were both aboard the ship. Letting out a little breath, Alex is trying to fight the urge to argue with him because it isn't help anything to keep doing that. "I know. I know how they all cursed your name. It's one of the things that definitely caught my attention." One of, but she doesn't know how to qualify the rest.

What Alex does know is that she doesn't like what he's implying there. "I'm not hurting myself because of you, Richard. At least not entirely." She doesn't pull away from his hand over hers. "There's a lot more to this. Things that you..." Alex breathes slowly and closes her eyes for a moment before she brokers a subject that she'd not wanted to. "Do you remember how there was the thing that broke onto the network about sharing dreams?"

"I tried to avoid it. It gave me a really bad headache but I don't think it affected me."

It feels nice, being here holding her hand. He'll just settle in with that. Willing himself to be silent and not teach or talk or do anything else, "Why? Did you get some kind of idea?"

"No." Alex just sighs softly, and she just bites her lip as she tries to find a way to put this into something that actually makes sense. It hits her then that she didn't tell even Simon about this, so if he's listening (and she really hopes that he's not) then he's probably not going to be very happy about it. Well, given everything Simon's probably not very happy with Strand in general, so at least this would be one thing that's not the good doctor's fault. Probably anyway. At least Alex doesn't think so.

"We had a thing before, where we were sharing dreams. That's what the creepy thing was referencing. But I had it happen to me." This is more difficult than Alex realizes to say, and she just finds herself absently stroking her fingers against his for a bit of comfort while she works up to it. "When I was a kid, I was adopted. Like pretty young, honestly. My parents started being my foster parents when I was five and I don't remember a lot from before then." There's a pause, and Alex just laughs with a bit of bitterness. "I don't remember anything from before my parents actually. Just some sorts of generalized impressions on how not great it was. My bio mother abandoned me when I was three, and I have no idea who my bio father was. It wasn't on my birth certificate. I spent two years in foster care."

Another deep breath. "In my dream I could remember. Well, maybe it was because other people could interact with it that I could. But in them I had a best friend who would protect me from how bad things were. A best friend who I called Paul."

Richard's hand gripping hers is unintentional. He doesn't let it go because - thinking of these psychic abilities, "...Like Sebastian Torres." It doesn't seem enough to say but he says it anyway. His thumb rubs along her hand, "What happened? What do you remember?"

“Like Sebastian Torres,” Alex agrees. “Like Katie Yi.” There’s a pause and while Alex wants to mention others she doesn’t know if they were called Paul or not. She doesn’t want to go down that road though.

“I only remember the dream. But…” A deep breath in, a deep breath out. “He kept me warm after my mother left. I think he was the reason I was found actually. And he kept me safe in various foster homes. He stole food for me when they didn’t feed the kids. He…” Alex takes another deep breath. “Hurt people who hurt me. Kids and stuff. They were scared of me. And in my last foster home before my mom and dad’s I’m pretty sure he killed the foster father. I didn’t realize what it meant at the time but I do now. In my dream Paul was trying to protect me from this woman who was here sharing the dream with me. And he’s the one who told me I would be safe with the Reagans.”

He's not sure he can let go mostly because this is delusional but here she is and here he is and he's psychic and he's terrified of what it would be if he looked inside her head. If he even could. If whatever this is is connected to Torres...

He squeezes her fingers gently.

"Are you saying that those things might be...good? Or are you saying that you're tied into them?"

"No." Alex just shakes her head, and there's a little bit of a full body shudder when he mentions that they might be good. "They're definitely not good. It's more like..." Taking a deep breath in an attempt to keep her composure, and to remember what they'd discovered back when there was the E. Hausdorff box and the tape of things that had gone along with it. "They're Watchers, you said. Like Pilori and Rumpelstiltskin. They..." Alex lets out a long and soft drag of breath, because she'd been thinking a lot about this even before she'd discovered the recording of the show and she could think about it in relation to what that dream uncovered.

"Protectors. They're protectors and are supposed to guide the chosen children and take care of them until it came time for them to be sacrificed. Until they were ready for it." Alex knows that Strand isn't going to listen to her about this, or believe her and she almost wishes that she'd talked to Simon about this before she'd brought it up to him. At least Simon would have probably been able to know if she was right or not, even if he didn't tell her. Simon loved not telling her things.

"If the Axis Mundi is at the studio as it seems to be, if the show has somehow stirred everything up then..." Alex swallows but she doesn't say what she was going to. She doesn't mention about how that may be the sacrifice that she's supposed to be. It certainly felt like it anyway. So instead she adds: "I'm tied to them probably."

This is all so fast for him and as much as he would like to think he's adaptable he knows, out of nowhere, that he's not but Alex is in pain and he let her down so he squeezes her hands gently.

He didn't mean for any of this, but perhaps...perhaps he really had no choice. It's these moments when he wants comfort, to comfort her.

"...Then we'll figure it out together."

Alex is definitely surprised when he squeezes her hands, because she'd not have expected it from him. Honestly, the reaction that she'd thought she'd get was him simply sighing and deciding not to call her an idiot at best, and him throwing her out of his cabin at worst. Yes, he'd been holding onto them for a few minutes now, but this somehow feels bigger than even her dreaming about being one of those kids. That was something that she'd have expected that Richard would have argued with, and Alex is honestly relieved that it's not a fight.

"Okay." Alex says the word softly, and she nods at him when she just squeezes his fingers in return for it, her thumb brushing along his hand as she does it. "We'll figure it out." Somehow, when they get back home even if he does leave. At some point he comes back, especially if Simon said that Strand had admitted the whole manipulation thing on her show.

Making a bad joke, Alex just adds, "it's too bad the bazaar where I got the show didn't have season three. Now that would have been handy; we'd probably have answers then."

At the mention of the show he doesn't withdraw his hands, he does still visibly and study her before slowly nodding his head.

"No more digging into my personal life." He grimaces, "No more invading my privacy like that. Coming in and having you know everything was...upsetting. If you want more information I'll answer if I feel comfortable all right?"

He presses his lips together, "In return I will...listen to this."

Alex needs to take a deep breath at that, because she knows that if she doesn't then she's just going to let her haunches get raised by what he said. In some ways, it almost seems to underscore the distances that the two of them are separated by: he doesn't know her well enough to know that she's joking. Because Richard doesn't know that she's joking, it means that this is so much harder than it has to be. Besides, at this point, Alex doesn't know what else could possibly be waiting that is something else that she'd invaded his privacy for.

"You were already going to listen to it," Alex reminds him quickly, studying him in return. If there's one thing that Alex has been doing for the last two years (even before he'd come on board) it was calling Richard Strand out on things. That isn't something that Alex imagines would ever change just because it can't. If it did then it would mean giving into his skeptic views wholeheartedly and Alex would never do that. She couldn't.

"But don't worry, I won't go digging into your personal life. It's not like I'm doing a show here or anything, and I don't think we remember what it was like here back home."

"Right."

He sighs, "I'm sorry, It's hard to think about Bobby Mames especially now that I'm experiencing these things. I spent a very long time denying it to myself and now - if you know everything you know about how much I denied myself and it has cost. me. everything."

At that hew ithdraws and he puts his head in his hands.

Alex takes a long and slow deep breath for a moment before she reaches out and puts her hand on his shoulder, holding it reassuringly. "You don't lose everything, Richard. I know that it can feel like it but you don't." Pausing, Alex just gives him a little smile before she adds, "you have me, you know. I'm not running away." Not like Strand does, never like Strand does.

"And I was joking about it, before. I just... forgot that you don't know me as well as I always think that you do. I'm sorry." She takes a deep breath and then stands, her hand still on his shoulder. "But I can let you be if you'd rather."

"...No."

No No No, "I can't let you be here by yourself, even with ..." He keeps his face carefully blank, "Simon. I assure you I'm not normally this discombobulated. I'm staying."

His voice doesn't tremble but he looks emotional, "...I am staying."

For a moment, Alex feels like she's missing something, but maybe if there's someone who'd be strong-willed enough (maybe an asshole enough) to manage to badger Navi into letting them go home, it probably would be Richard Strand. Then again, if Alex's will (which is just as strong as his; the unstoppable force to his immovable object) hasn't worked so far then it's probably not going to.

"Okay." She just agrees after a beat, and then she adds: "I know you're not." Save for when he is that discombobulated: when he's wearing flannels and has a beard and a sleep debt to rival Alex's own with the additional problem of not eating to go along with it. Feeling like she should say something, Alex just approaches the other thing that he'd brought up: "Simon is..." Well, this is a bit awkward considering everything. "Simon's worried about everything, Richard. The end of the world back home. I'm pretty sure that if something were to happen, he'd protect me." She thinks maybe? Probably honestly. "I trust him, even with as crazy as that sounds."

His mouth slides into a thin line before he nods slowly, "He cares a great deal for you." Is he annoyed? No. Alex is a good person. She deserves protection and Richard...

He doesn't smile but he does move to polish his glasses, "I'll follow your lead on that."

Alex just watches Strand for a long moment, and her head tilts to one side. She's seen him be jealous before of course--Tannis Braun immediately comes to mind, followed by his response to Jon here--and she's fairly certain that she can see it here in his face now. There aren't very many times when Alex can stop her face from showing her true emotions, and right now definitely isn't that time. Instead, she just lets out a huff of air that's actually very Strand-like before she speaks.

"Please tell me you're not jealous of Simon Reese! He's a kid for crying out loud. The reason that he cares for me is because I'm pretty sure that he thinks that I'm the one who's going to stop Thomas Warren and the Order of the Cenophus. Like because of the things that I'm uncovering and unraveling as I work on the story." When she pauses, Alex can hear what Simon had said in that final message that he'd left for her before she'd come here: I’m sure by now you’ve realized the interconnectedness of all things. Or, at least the interconnectedness of your things. The children, the shadows, the doors, they’re all… they’re here for Him. Some call him the Adversary, some call him other things... but if you build it, he will come. And when he does, he brings chaos, and madness, and death.

She doesn't want to explain that so instead she just picks up her tea once more and takes a sip of it. "You don't have to trust him just because I do, Richard. But I'm also going to keep on trusting him."

you've got to choose between your faces

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