eyemind | audio } un: panoptes

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audio } un: panoptes

[hey look, it’s jack. on a video feed, which is pretty unusual, come to think of it? she’s set up at a table in the kitchen, frowning in concentration as she gathers her thoughts.]

Where I’m from, people like to say that the definition of insanity is doing something over and over and expecting a different result. I will be pretty mad if it turns out I’m insane for doing this again, because last time I made this offer, I sorta got my head ripped off. Not literally, although I’m sure some of those jackasses would’ve done it literally, if they’d been able to find me. Too bad Jane’s not here anymore, she could tell you all about it.

[and jack rolls her eyes, because yes, she’s still holding a little bit of a grudge about all of that. the expression is short-lived, however - she shakes it off and continues:]

Anyway, remember that weird stalkergram video we saw the other day? That wasn’t some performance art piece. I know who sent it. See, before I ended up here, I spent a few years in a city called Dualis - real neon hellscape, right out of all of those cyberpunk movies you know and love. It was run by a self-aware AI called Mindseye, and Mindseye had this bad habit of killing literally everyone in the city, and not in the Skynet “drop a nuclear bomb on everyone” kind of way. This thing wiped out the entire population it was created for with a virus, and then started kidnapping people from their own worlds so it could study them and make robot copies of them. Murmur was there too, so ask him if you don’t believe me.

[sorry angel frand, you’re apparently a more trustworthy adult authority figure compared to jack.]

Back during that weird time when we were all wandering into each other’s dreams, there was this one dream about some things that happened in Dualis, and I couldn’t figure out where it came from. I thought maybe it was some kind of mental transfer from one of us who’d been there, but it wasn’t from a person’s perspective - it was Mindseye’s memory of what happened. That’s what Mindseye was talking about when it said we were all connected. Oh - right, I should’ve mentioned - Mindseye escaped from Dualis. Uploaded itself right into all of those robot bodies it built and skipped town. And it sounds like it landed somewhere in this part of the final frontier.

[and that’s worrying! for obvious reasons!!]

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m not keen on being hunted throughout space by a homicidal AI. Now, I was able to fly under the radar in Dualis because of this tattoo I have. It’s a sigil I created for making myself invisible to surveillance - long story short, I’m a witch, I used to do a lot of meatspace activism when I was in college, and getting arrested isn’t anywhere near as fun as it looks on TV. Fool me once, et cetera. Point is, the sigil is magick, and it works, and I am willing to share, but I’m asking to trade something for it. Nothing big like a firstborn child - just a story. I want to hear about a time you did something unjust and got away with it. That’s all. That’s the offer, and you can certainly refuse it, but I’d take it as a personal kindness if you’d not be a dick about it.

[aaaaaand that’s all, folks!]

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[Creepy angel friend is just going to roll up on her in the kitchen because you know what this calls for? Tea. He'll make her a cup as well.]

How is your reception going this time around? I am, of course, available if you'd like me to step in and assist with anyone.

[They have plenty they could discuss on the topic at hand, but being some of the few still in the know about Eyemind they will hopefully remain on board long enough to offer real assistance. Murmur is still fairly certain he is being called to put this thing out of existence.

How to track down all of it, however, is yet uncertain.]

[hey there angel frand. c: jack leans back in her chair and stretches her arms over her head.]

Well, no one's screeching at me that I'm an untrustworthy bitch or an arm of the homicidal AI yet, so I think it's going OK.

[He sets a mug of tea in front of her.]

Well, better than last time I trust? That does bring to mind a question, would you be opposed to the idea of allowing me to modify your creation for use in protecting Navi? Given that the overall survival of this enterprise depends wholly upon them, I believe it a worthy endeavor to simply offer the protection without the cost in this instance.

[Far be it for him to interfere with her monstering around otherwise. But Navi is literally their life support right now.]

Much better. [she nods, and quietly thanks him for the tea.] Last time was a complete shitshow. One of the highlights was Jane calling me a whore - which I think was supposed to be an insult, because I guess she thinks there's something insulting about being a sex worker.

[shrug. boy does jack not miss being screamed at and threatened. her expression darkens momentarily at the memory, but lights up again at murmur's suggestion.]

That is a great idea! We should absolutely do it, as long as Navi wants it - which I'm sure they will.

Jane certainly seemed to have a grudge out for you from the beginning. It seems rather out of place, all things considered. Unfortunately is it not common to use such terminology as an insult? Despite the age of the profession.

[Look he's only been around humans occasionally but he's pretty sure that's a thing they do. Oh well, the trouble is passed. For now.]

Wonderful! I will make the proposal soon. I imagine they will appreciate our assistance.

[They've been pretty appreciative thus far when Murmur's offered his help.]

It is common, because patriarchal bullshit. Let’s demonize and degrade everything about women to keep ‘em good and oppressed!

[she rolls her eyes. but don’t get her started unless you want to hear a long rant.]

It just makes sense to shield Navi - they’re carting us around, so it’s in everyone’s best interest. Besides, I already know what they’re afraid of.

[she smiles thinly. not difficult to know such things when you’ve got a psychic link.]

Why? [He's asking genuinely. Yes, of course as a scholar of the ages he's observed it, in many forms, yet never once has the action made sense.] I know why we war, we are designed for it. And soldiers untethered without a purpose will continue to do the one thing they know. But mortals, who are gifted with learning and choice and such beautiful potential still turn cruelty upon each other. Especially upon those blessed with the gift of lifegiving. Why?

[For angels weren't even capable, it seemed so alien to him to unleash such wickedness upon one of the greatest gifts they have.

Still, on to Navi.]

I agree. They pay enough of a price carrying us around, it is only just that we extend what protection we can in return. [He tilts his head to the side curiously.] I admit I haven't asked, what do they fear?

Oh, that's a whole philosophical can of worms. The easiest answer, I think, is that fundamentally, humans are not good-natured, and they fear what they don't understand. Monsters need to be driven back into the darkness and/or killed because we're so different, and humans don't much care for that. Same with women - we are powerful, we can create life, we can bleed without dying from it - usually. We're a mystery, and it's easier to crush a mystery than try to understand it.

[she shrugs. just a monster's perspective.]

Not all women, of course, I don't mean to be gender essentialist. There are plenty of women who don't birth children, or menstruate, or even have a vagina. But they're still other, and humans at their core aren't very tolerant of otherness. See also, racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, the list goes on. Men in particular tend to think they're hot shit, and they don't like having their supposed superiority questioned. And the societies they've built for themselves just reinforce those toxic delusional ideas.

[aaaand jack will hop down off her soapbox now. the question about navi's fears shifts her expression to slightly more somber.]

They're afraid of a lot of things, mostly related to the shitheads who created them. Capture, imprisonment, torture ... from what I understand, they basically get lobotomized, and they're cut off from the rest of their kind. For a collective consciousness, that must be devastating - if I suddenly couldn't get back into the Primordial Dream, I don't know what I'd do, and I'm a pretty singular entity otherwise. [she frowns, shaking her head.] They're also afraid of what would happen to us if they're caught. Apparently, these soulless bastards have no problem with torturing and murdering any passengers on board at the time. And since we're all mentally linked together, they feel all that suffering in stereo. Like, Dolby Atmos levels.

You know I am a fan of philosophy. [He offered idly. Though, he did frown faintly at her observation.] I may have to disagree with you on the matter of it being a fundamental trait of humanity. I believe it is learned, and for that evidence I point to the children. How it has become that your societies are so quick to turn that innocence into what is has become I cannot say.

[But that's just the angel's perspective.]

I suppose we are not so different, mortals and Celestials. Prone to the othering, to black and white thinking. It's simpler than sifting through the shades of red and gray. While we may have fewer distinctions to draw upon to fuel our own prejudices, they are not wholly dissimilar. I believe you would refer to it as xenophobia? As well as jealousy. [The soapboxing was great, Murmur does appreciate Jack's insight. He can only speak as an outside observer for the most part, so it helps to know how one embroiled within understood things. He does shake his head and huff at the comment on men.] Ah, yes, there is a reason we typically present ourselves in the form of a male of your species.

[Humans weren't very good at listening to anything that appeared female. See again: Learned. Murmur is quite certain if it were possible to strip away the culture it would be possible to build a healthier society in general.

He leans in, listening intently, that frown deepening as she goes into Navi's fears.]

I can well imagine the agony they endure feeling their own severed, and those they are bound to. While I am no stranger to torture it was easier to endure that environment having severed my own ability to empathize and emote. I think, perhaps, the worst part of the Fall is being severed from Heaven and the Word.

[Had he told her that? Probably not. It's alright, Jack can know.]

I do appreciate that they're trying to keep us safe as well, it would only serve the collective if we make an effort to protect them as best we can.

[oh murmur. your fondness for humans is showing.]

Kids aren’t really as innocent as people like to think. I was bullied all the way through school, starting right from the beginning.

[she leans forward and pushes up a section of her hair, revealing a line of white scar tissue a few inches long.]

I was seven, waiting for the morning bus at the bus stop in my neighborhood, and I got jumped by a bunch of the neighborhood kids my own age or a little older. They pushed me around, called me names, said I was a freak, knocked me down, and pelted me with rocks. This is from the stitches I needed after one of them broke a glass bottle on my head.

[she sits back and rearranges her hair to cover the scarring.]

I begged my mother to homeschool me so I wouldn’t have to keep facing shit like that, and she said no, because I “needed to learn how to socialize.” I asked her what I was supposed to do the next time I got picked on, ‘cause I was sure it would happen again, and do you know what she told me? “Turn the other cheek. Kill them with kindness.” She didn’t listen when I told her that nobody ever died from an overabundance of kindness.

[but hey, enough about jack.]

You’ve told me a little bit about being Fallen before, but I’m guessing there’s a bigger story there. And you obviously got your empathy back at some point.

[it’s a sideways invitation to elaborate, if he feels like doing so. it’s just the two of them.]

[Good! She shouldn't forget he's not one of the completely psychotic angels who hate humans.]

Where do you think they learn it from?

[Children don't start out being bullies, even that was learned behavior. Their innocence stripped right from the crib. Some imitate, some internalize, but it all comes from a source outside of themselves.] However, that isn't to say what you have suffered isn't horrific, nor that once children are capable of reacting more to their environment they are not capable of also enacting cruelty. Rather mercilessly, I might add.

[It's a shame, but he digresses...] Still, I understand. Growing up mortal seems deeply troubling. And that is perhaps the worst advice I have ever heard. How, exactly, was that supposed to help?

[Akin to just ignore it and it'll go away. No problem unaddressed ever solved itself. Sounds to him like her mother just didn't feel like parenting her own child. But... he sensed she didn't want to delve overmuch into her own painful past right now so perhaps it would be fair to share some of his own.]

I did, at rather inconvenient timing. You see, I had stored it in what was intended to be a temporary vessel. One from which I knew I could retrieve it again should the time ever come. Why I didn't dispose of it entirely I couldn't properly explain but... something about tossing out even an inconvenient part of myself seemed... wrong? Strange, considering what I was.

[Since when did demons care about what's right or wrong?]

Ah, the classic "nature versus nurture" debate, eh? [she smiles wryly and takes a sip of her tea.] Humans have been arguing about that question for centuries, and mostly the conclusion by now is that it's a mix of both.

[jack did start out her college career aiming for a psychology degree, after all.]

Suffering is part of the mortal condition, and monsters have suffered at the hands of humans since time immemorial. [she shrugs.] My mother thought that advice would help because she was a product of hardline Christian culture. Despite being a major and influential world religion, Christians have clung to this idea that they're still an oppressed minority of martyrs. "The meek shall inherit the Earth," except they're not exactly meek anymore, but they keep perpetuating these same ideas all the same.

[is it weird to discuss flaws of christianity with an actual angel?]

So why did you even want to get it back? It seems like it would be much easier to live without empathy. Caring about people just seems exhausting.

One must not forget the not insignificant role culture plays in both. What begins as nurture becomes nature with time and ingrained practices.

[She may have education, but he has millennia of observation. The answers are never simple, but to believe that in a vacuum a human is more inclined toward wickedness than not is folly. It all comes down to foundation. However, that was hardly the point of their conversation. Murmur was just easy to derail into philosophy if they weren't careful.]

It is. The struggle to survive is what shapes you. That adaptability is what makes your kind so successful, and dangerous. [He huffs a derisively amused sound through his nose at that. Ah, yes, he's very familiar with that particular religion and their persecution fetish.] The hypocrisy always has been astonishing with them. They have not been meek for at least a thousand years.

[Once more he would like to point toward culture. Anyway...]

Truth be told... I did not want it. It represented, however, the purpose behind my duty. I am not inclined to act in haste, to make decisions that cannot be reversed without careful consideration. Severing my ability to connect allowed me to focus on my one and only goal... yet the entire reason for that goal lay buried within that which I severed. Messy, isn't it? I must admit things were simpler when it was only math.

[Life, emotion, connection... all that chaos that made existence interesting and enjoyable also made it so very hard to manage. He tilted his head faintly to the side, glancing at her sidelong.]

You care.

[She can say she doesn't all she wants, he's seen her care. She's very passionate about specific things, even!]

[oops, busted. jack does care, and of course murmur would be the one to call her out on it. she shrugs, determined to play it cool.]

Sure, in a general sense. Like, I care about animals too, and the rainforests, but I don't have a pet cat or a treehouse. Caring about a specific human would be a lot of work - I don't even know if I could. I'm a monster, after all. I'm not wired the same way as humans.

You care.

[He says again, emphasizing the word in such a way as to suggest he's not going to listen to nor believe her protests to the contrary. She can play the heartless monster all she wants, he knows better, and she knows she can't hide that from him. She cares enough to have been worthy of making friends with an angel prone to becoming quickly bored with most mortals. That's high praise, even if she doesn't know it.]

Perhaps you are not wired the same as humans. Is that necessarily such a bad thing?

[He's also not entirely sure that's completely true. They build idealized boxes for themselves... that none of them fit into.]

[the jack doth protest too much. she does care for a specific human - well, werewolf, technically, so not a basic model human, but closer to human than jack believes herself to be. jack may be in vocal denial - maybe even denial to herself - but she's definitely caught feelings for julia, and they're beyond the simple "i have a crush" variety. she's keeping that quiet for now, though.]

I don't think it's a bad thing at all. [she shrugs.] But humans might say otherwise - and do, usually, be it with words or a well-executed genocide.

[she gets quiet for a moment and stares into her tea.]

Even before I knew what I was, I never fit in. Something about me was just too different, too weird. It was actually a relief to learn why I was different, why I always felt out of place. At least then I didn't feel like I needed to work so hard at pretending to be one of them.

[better to be lonely and authentic than a fake.]

[Indeed she doth! The details of what she cares about don't matter too much, only that she does. Besides, her ferocity for social justice is indicative enough that she cares. She cares for justice, she cares for the well-being of oppressed groups, that translates to plenty of care. Monster she may be, but not heartless.

But, Murmur's not going to force her to spill her guts right now. Just keep rubbing in that he doesn't believe her 'I don't need nuthin' and nobody' act.

However, she does offer up a solid point. One as depressing as it is true.]

Yes... they are remarkably adept at that. Something I have always found peculiar, given that none of them fit the boxes they prescribe.

[Really, it's wild. At least angels, for all their flaws, do in fact sit very neatly in their boxes as they are so designed. Humans, beautiful and varied as they are, really think they want to be angels. Well... most angels fit neatly into their boxes anyway.

Murmur offered over something of a sad smirk.]

Something you and I share in common. I never quite fit in among my brethren, either. An academic among warriors, you can imagine we rarely had much in common.

[He'd been alone for a very long time, he understands.]

Yeah ...

[she gets quiet for a moment, imagining what it might've been like for murmur to be so different from the others. he has existed for far longer than she has been alive, after all. what a lonely existence he must've had.]

I guess we outcasts have to stick together, huh?

[It has been exhaustingly lonely. Is it any wonder his rivers turned to glaciers, and his rain to snow through the years? With only duty to occupy him and chasms where others might find bridges what else was he going to become?

Not that Murmur minded how cold he'd become. One couldn't argue the value in a long winter's rest.

He offered her a faint smile, warmer than his usual ones. He did, after all, care a lot about this monster who insisted she didn't care at all.]

Yes, we do. Who else would ever understand us?

[Actually, that reminded him. He perked up.]

Come to think of it, I had something I wanted to give you.

Really? [she sits up, equal parts surprised and curious.] It's not my birthday ... well, I don't think it's my birthday. Hard to tell without the arbitrary marker of solar cycles.

Should it have to be? I do not think that gifts can only be given on certain days.

[His wings flared out from the nowhere that he kept them and he went to work searching one for the perfect feather. Not too large as to be suspicious or unwieldly to carry, and not so small as to become easily damaged or lost. Once he found a suitable specimen he plucked it, offering the faintly glittery blue-gray feather out to her.]

Should we find ourselves separated by great distances again, this can help guide me back to you.

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audio } un: panoptes

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