There was no way for sure to tell how Mello had ever lost sight of someone as steadfast and loyal to his own demise as Matt. Likely it really had been Mello's ambitions that had cost him the most precious things in his life as it slowly slid down a hill into his very own secret hell before his death, too.
Hearing Mello say the words 'I see you' made his heart sink again. It wasn't about actually being seen or profiled. What he wanted was Mello to see them and with Mello's track record of sitting on the fence with them even in their older age before they both apparently fucking died and ended up in fake heaven with Near... No, that was the emotional part of him, the parts that Near was so much better at handling than him. The part that Mello was better at utilizing than him. Comparatively, he was normal in that aspect even if he was anything but emotionally stable ultimately.
Mello's steps were something he anticipated. He could calculate things that people were going to do as easily as the other two above him. 'Above' him. The looking at his face, the way he paused and the way he studied Matt. The quiet apology only broke his heart all the more. He couldn't even tell him what he was sorry for and yet when Mello leaned forward, Matt's body followed suit. It was second nature to want to hold the other successor, to let the tilt of his head meet a soft kiss in against the blonds lips in return.
The gentle press was turned to a little more languid for him and the more that he held the small kiss, the more Matt felt the shattered pieces of glass on the floor have more stability than his heart at that moment. There were less pieces from the broken cabinet even as he held Mello close. The warm of his body up against his chest did nothing to heal the pain he felt as he pulled away from Mello.
"...I know you are, Mello. In my heart of hearts I know you are." Finally, he replied and leaned his forehead against Mello's, eyes closed behind his goggles. Knowing fixed nothing. "But for..." Matt's eyes opened and lay directly in gaze with Mello's. This was the hardest thing he ever had to say. He had Mello right there, held warmly in his arms and content in said hold. However, the doubt remained and he knew it might have remained for Mello, too.
Matt wasn't ever big on tears or crying himself, he gave it up long before Wammy's, but he felt the strong urge as he kissed Mello one last time on the bridge of his nose. Ever careful of his scar, the linger of his lips left at the same time as he was slipping his arms away, at the same time as he made his uncertain legs take a small pivot to the side. Everything in his body screamed not to let go of Mello in that moment and his hands were forced into the compartment of his pockets. If he hadn't forced his hands in their prison, he didn't know if he would have the strength to be continuing what he had to say. The last time his voice had broken was many years back in his teenage years, but the obviously broken up inner war he was going through was evident in the way he spoke. He just wanted Mello. "But for my sake, you..." Matt swallowed hard, his eyes turned downward. Maybe that would help with the next words. "You need to figure out how you feel. Not how I want you feel. Maybe when you know, then I won't have room for doubting you're more than just sincerely sorry."
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Hearing Mello say the words 'I see you' made his heart sink again. It wasn't about actually being seen or profiled. What he wanted was Mello to see them and with Mello's track record of sitting on the fence with them even in their older age before they both apparently fucking died and ended up in fake heaven with Near... No, that was the emotional part of him, the parts that Near was so much better at handling than him. The part that Mello was better at utilizing than him. Comparatively, he was normal in that aspect even if he was anything but emotionally stable ultimately.
Mello's steps were something he anticipated. He could calculate things that people were going to do as easily as the other two above him. 'Above' him. The looking at his face, the way he paused and the way he studied Matt. The quiet apology only broke his heart all the more. He couldn't even tell him what he was sorry for and yet when Mello leaned forward, Matt's body followed suit. It was second nature to want to hold the other successor, to let the tilt of his head meet a soft kiss in against the blonds lips in return.
The gentle press was turned to a little more languid for him and the more that he held the small kiss, the more Matt felt the shattered pieces of glass on the floor have more stability than his heart at that moment. There were less pieces from the broken cabinet even as he held Mello close. The warm of his body up against his chest did nothing to heal the pain he felt as he pulled away from Mello.
"...I know you are, Mello. In my heart of hearts I know you are." Finally, he replied and leaned his forehead against Mello's, eyes closed behind his goggles. Knowing fixed nothing. "But for..." Matt's eyes opened and lay directly in gaze with Mello's. This was the hardest thing he ever had to say. He had Mello right there, held warmly in his arms and content in said hold. However, the doubt remained and he knew it might have remained for Mello, too.
Matt wasn't ever big on tears or crying himself, he gave it up long before Wammy's, but he felt the strong urge as he kissed Mello one last time on the bridge of his nose. Ever careful of his scar, the linger of his lips left at the same time as he was slipping his arms away, at the same time as he made his uncertain legs take a small pivot to the side. Everything in his body screamed not to let go of Mello in that moment and his hands were forced into the compartment of his pockets. If he hadn't forced his hands in their prison, he didn't know if he would have the strength to be continuing what he had to say. The last time his voice had broken was many years back in his teenage years, but the obviously broken up inner war he was going through was evident in the way he spoke. He just wanted Mello. "But for my sake, you..." Matt swallowed hard, his eyes turned downward. Maybe that would help with the next words. "You need to figure out how you feel. Not how I want you feel. Maybe when you know, then I won't have room for doubting you're more than just sincerely sorry."