What are his feelings for Matt? Mello goes silent for a long moment, assessing the contents of his heart. Obviously he cares for Matt and values his friendship, but is there deeper affection as well? Mello typically doesn’t mix sex and genuine feelings, though he’s good at pretending to, when it suits his needs. In reality, they are two things compartmentalized and kept apart.
Since Matt re-entered his life, that’s all been a lot more complicated. If pressed, Mello would claim he’s not capable of forming a strong positive emotional bond, but the truth is, he’s afraid to. Emotional bonds are a liability in the life he chose, and the threat of pain in loss is impossible to overlook. In many ways, Mello never recovered from his mother’s death; if he never loves anyone else, he can’t be hurt by their death or disappearance like he was with hers.
And yet ... Matt is his friend. Mello already has this connection, which appears to be stronger than he’d realized. Mello thought he understood things clearly when he agreed to stay with Matt and involve him in his plans for Kira, but now he can see he underestimated Matt by a lot.
“I just meant - it’s not a good idea,” he says, finally. “I’m not a good person to be around, I’m - “ Not good enough, he doesn’t say, because admitting that aloud, even to Matt, is another layer of defeat.
“Besides,” he adds, in a slightly sharper tone, “I have it on good authority that I’m a selfish bitch. Why would you want to be with someone like that?”
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Since Matt re-entered his life, that’s all been a lot more complicated. If pressed, Mello would claim he’s not capable of forming a strong positive emotional bond, but the truth is, he’s afraid to. Emotional bonds are a liability in the life he chose, and the threat of pain in loss is impossible to overlook. In many ways, Mello never recovered from his mother’s death; if he never loves anyone else, he can’t be hurt by their death or disappearance like he was with hers.
And yet ... Matt is his friend. Mello already has this connection, which appears to be stronger than he’d realized. Mello thought he understood things clearly when he agreed to stay with Matt and involve him in his plans for Kira, but now he can see he underestimated Matt by a lot.
“I just meant - it’s not a good idea,” he says, finally. “I’m not a good person to be around, I’m - “ Not good enough, he doesn’t say, because admitting that aloud, even to Matt, is another layer of defeat.
“Besides,” he adds, in a slightly sharper tone, “I have it on good authority that I’m a selfish bitch. Why would you want to be with someone like that?”