eyemind | Locked - We're strangers on a train.

Alex doesn't know what to think of the recordings. Well, that's not true; she knows what she thinks about a lot of them. They seem very rushed, more manipulated than any season before in a lot of ways. She wonders why. The thoughts of Nic being the one in her apartment race on a hamsters wheel--Nic has keys to her place so he wouldn't need to break in, how weird he was last year, how he didn't tell her about the recording and left her alone to listen to it--the last part is the hardest, because she tries to imagine how he'd been before doing that to her and it doesn't track. So much of this doesn't track, and Alex hates it. Alex has always been someone who'd been able to connect the pieces of this story, but right now it's too much information that she doesn't trust.

Alex doesn't trust Nic anymore, and it hurts.

So much of this hurts; it feels like a heavy and sharp pressure on her chest. How often had he'd fed into her thoughts only to drag them away and make her feel crazy for them? How often had he'd acted above her when they'd acted the same way? It's hard and harsh and in the midst of everything else that's so fathomable, this one particular piece is more gossamer and is so much more damaging than anything else. Alex hates how easy it is to see that Simon's probably right especially considering how he'd never steered her wrong before.

"I think that I don't care about what I should right now, Richard." God. In some twisted way it feels like this means they have even more in common than they did before. No, she and Nic weren't married but out of the people in her life who could have betrayed her, Nicodemus Silver is the worst one. Even more so than her parents, Alex has trusted Nic in the last few years and now this is where she is.

"You can...talk to me about it." He shifts, "About how you're feeling. I...I promise no solutions. Just support because there is a lot to discuss. We don't have all the facts Alex. About any of it."

He holds up a hand, "Now I know that isn't what you want to hear, and it might make you angry to think ...to think just in terms of facts. Facts help. Facts are comforting. Or they can be."

But. She thinks rightfully that Howard Strand was insane for dragging his son into the darkness to stare at shadows. That Howard Strand's doctrine was madness.

And it was.

"You're not alone. We're in this together."

"In all of this, Simon is the one person who has never lied to me. He's been evasive and mysterious and all of that but he's never lied. He wouldn't start now. And I mean Nic was weird all this last year. All of the stuff around like how his personality would shift between episodes started then. Like when he mentioned about Simon and the knocking and said he'd call Three Rivers and then acted like I was crazy for bringing it up. All that time there were so many things that I was right about--like about Coralee being alive, and Gluska being a trap, Warren being SJB, all of it--he just acted like I never had been." Neither of them did, but she's not getting into that.

"He tried to turn me against you. He didn't even do that with Simon when Simon is a confessed mass murderer who'd escaped from a mental hospital. He sent me on that vacation to be alone when there was the Unsound anniversary. When I got that tape, he made me watch it alone despite knowing what was on it. It would have taken you like half an hour to get to the studio so I wouldn't be alone, but he didn't give me a word of warning. I just..." Alex sighs and she sinks down onto her bed from where she'd been pacing to cover her face with her hands.

"None of the facts about this are particularly comforting here, Richard."

Tried to her against him. He's not entirely surprised. It's something he would do if the shoe was on the other foot. He knows what it's like to be manipulated and used. Just thinking about Coralee makes him want to scream.

"What is your gut instinct telling you?" Because that's a solid thought and with what Simon has told him about Alex, what he's begun to suspect about her as well as him. Perhaps...

Or perhaps it's ridiculous.

"If Nic has been compromised it's not as if he's been possessed. He can be uncompromised, or convinced, or even coerced by us to reveal what's going on."

He speaks perfectly bluntly before pulling off his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose, "Having a plan doesn't work when we're trapped - seemingly - here."

Holding out his hands he projects as much mental cool and calm and as he can, "Give me your hands."

The recording had Nic trying to turn her against him in it, but it's in the confines of a conversation that Alex really doesn't know how to bring it up if even she should. Alex noticed that she never answered Nic about her feelings for Strand, but she's not an idiot. She's many flaws in her: flexible moral code, disrespecting boundaries, being willful to a fault among them, but stupidity isn't one of them. Alex knows why she didn't answer him and she knows why: if she didn't answer it's plausible deniability about the nature of her feelings for Strand at that point. Alex doesn't lie, and Geneva not being a romantic interlude definitely isn't one. It's not a lie, but it's not entirely the truth either.

Alex has been super invested in Strand since his name had started coming up. She'd called him eleven times which is a record for her by a large amount. Showing up in Chicago after he'd left hadn't been something that Alex had thought about for more than a few minutes before she put the ticket on her personal credit card. Simon had said that Alex had stumbled into the center of this rather than the edges that she'd started on. While Simon had never said it to her, Alex knows it's because she has feelings for Strand that she definitely shouldn't. They'd gotten a lot closer in that third season, that was sure. Now she's not sure where she stands.

But Alex does uncover her face, and she puts her hands into his before she speaks. "It's telling me that Simon's right. That Nic was there that night."

"Then operate, on what you feel. Until we can get out of here, until we know more, we have nothing to go on."

He squeezes her fingers and instinctively pulls her closer, moving to sit with her.

"We are here. And Simon is here. And for all that I find your pet murderer ...vexing and terrifying in his own way - threatening to my very way of thinking, and of my life, he is invested in helping you and I..."

I.

What is he invested in with Alex? She was a means to an end. Except she was more now, and it had been growing on him, their destinies are intertwined and perhaps...perhaps...

"I don't know if I have it in me to lie to you anymore. I don't have it in me to lie to anyone after that. After learning what we know. But I'm not going to let you get hurt Alex. We're in this together."

For a moment what he says about her trusting her feelings is more surprising than his sitting next to her and drawing her closer. It's not something that she'd ever thought that she'd ever hear Richard Strand say and if nothing else it tells her how much what they'd listened to had shaken him. There's a lot between them in just time wise, there feels like a decade between when Richard is from and then a decade between herself and the odd half season that they'd just listened too. It's a long time between then and now and Alex wishes that she'd had the memories from that time. But god, she can't imagine how badly he'd have taken an Alex who might have come from that point where they were actively running away together or whatever that was. What she does know it would have broken her heart even more than it had already been with his reaction.

But she doesn't want to think about that, and she also doesn't want to think about Nic anymore. Later, Alex knows, when she tries to sleep that her thoughts are going to race and it's going to be the only thing that she thinks about. Now, she has control over her thoughts (well, as much as Alex normally does anyway) and she just works to shove the thoughts of Nic Silver's betrayal away from her.

"You don't have to lie to me, you know. I'd prefer it if you didn't, honestly." And honesty on her behalf too. "I'm not going to let you get hurt either, you know, Richard. You and I are at the center of this, and the center has to hold. Simon thinks I'm going to save sunsets, and I'm really worried right now that I can't."

He says I'm going to save sunsets. While he's destined to destroy them. Life has never been that bad-

Even with Howard shoving him out into the darkness. After discovering dead bodies, after being outcasted, shunned, hurt and torn apart by people who claimed to love and care for him. Coralee betrayed him, Howard betrayed him, even Charlie left him and he had been terrible. He was always monsterous.

"You will." Richard squeezes her fingers again, "We will. We'll figure this out. There will be...there will be answers there are always answers."

"We will," Alex agrees quickly, and her hands flex over his own, giving them a squeeze. She's sure that Richard isn't going to cause whatever Simon fears--the faith in him shines easily in her dark eyes. Alex Reagan is a believer. Always. Always a believer end of statement and someone who she definitely believes in is Richard Strand. Even when he's an asshole, even when she knows that he's manipulating her, Alex still believes in him. And she believes that together the two of them are going to be able to stop this.

"We just got to figure out what those answers are. Later, I have some more questions I want to ask Simon. Like why was it so important for me to touch the Horn of Tiamat." And Alex does know that touching it is the reason he said she needed to see it in person. Everyone (anyone) who has ever met Alex Reagan knows that she's going to touch something like that, and Alex is just wondering at the purpose behind it. If she has to guess, it's because Simon thinks it's going to protect her, even though Alex doesn't know how or why it's going to do that.

But then she sighs, cause her thoughts loop back to Nic, and Alex just grabs the bottle of scotch and raises it to her lips and takes a sip of it.

Edited 2021-07-20 01:12 (UTC)

"...I don't know if he knows." Richard folds his hands in front of him before gesturing for the scotch when she's done, "I think he's making just as many guesses as the rest of us because the facts of the situation have shaken us...substantially."

It is nice. Being next to her. He does his best to settle.

"You could call me Richard. I wouldn't be adverse to that given the circumstances."

Alex just shakes her head slowly, but she pours him some scotch and hands it to him slowly, her eyes meeting his own as she does it. "He knows. He was on his way to get the Horn before Navi scooped him up. Simon wouldn't have done what he did to get at it, especially with what it cost him if he didn't know how important it was. Simon is a lot of things, but he's not going to take unnecessary risks when it comes to stopping Warren and all of this." Alex knows of course that she would take all the risks anyway, and she's starting to suspect that Richard would to given what she'd heard on the audio.

"I do call you Richard now, you know. I mean, at least I try to. Sometimes 'Strand' slips out cause I've been listening to the show and you know I have to at least to pretend to have some of my professional ethics left. Even if I definitely don't have any left by the end of things." Is Alex alluding to how she'd asked Richard to run away with her? Yes, yes she is even if she's not quite sure how to talk about it. Or even if she wants to talk about it.

Somehow she doesn't think that Richard's going to want to, and she wants to keep the peace between them as long as she can.

He doesn't.

It's going to be on his mind however and he hates it because he has questions and his heart has questions. Coralee however is fresh in his memory and his mind. It's all too much.

"...How do you pass time here? On this ship?"

"Most of the time? Just reading and writing. I do some stuff in the garden, but less so now that Persephone's here. Mostly trying to avoid cooking as much as possible." Alex just laughs and she bumps him with her elbow lightly before she finishes her scotch. Taking the last bit of the bottle that he'd brought with him, Alex pours it into Richard's glass before she gets up and gets herself a bottle of cider that she'd purchased on the surface of the planet.

Alex knows that she can't like keep up with him drinking scotch and still planning on keeping her wits about her, especially considering how much she'd already had to drink while they were listening. The world spins a bit, and Alex needs to squeeze her eyes shut before she plops back down onto her bed close to him (closer than she was before without realizing it.) "It's hard because it's like... there's so much stuff here that's so different back home. I feel like I can't be like the way I normally am all the time because it's just a different situation, you know?"

"Yes." She is small and soft against him and he wills himself not to freeze.

"I was wondering if you'd...like to arrange regular activities with me. Beyond studying. If you'd like I can teach you how to cook.

If you'd like"

He doesn't smile but he hates that he sounds hopeful. Are you going to keep recording?

"Outside of researching."

Alex knows that hopeful tone of voice, and while he thinks of it from her past, she thinks of it from her future 'well you could' with a mix of 'we'll have dinner before. Just in case' Her eyes peer up at his for a long moment, and then they drop lower to his mouth and back up before she takes a long slug of her cider. Honestly, there had been the thought that if there were to be something to happen between them (and she definitely has thought of it a fair amount) she would need to make the first move, but right now Alex isn't at all sure of it.

So, she does give him the smile that he doesn't give to her, and her voice is bright. "Sure. But we'd definitely need to be careful that I don't set fire to poor Navi. I don't want to cause them any distress or have them send us out into the frozen void of space or whatever."

"No no. But you can make your own mac and cheese. I don't mind making it of course, but you'd probably like to experiment."

He stares at nothing for a moment. Then.

"I used to enjoy teaching. It felt like I was...accomplishing something. Making it easier for people to live their life with skills I had. Even grad students, in all of their...pompus arrogance that comes with living and youth."

He smiles softly. It might be easy to guess just when he stopped and when things turned around.

"What was your favorite subject in school?"

Edited 2021-07-25 16:00 (UTC)

"I know you like to teach, Richard. You always seemed to be the most comfortable and excited when you were lecturing on a subject to my recorder." It's clear that Alex means 'lecture' in the way that an academic does rather than as a pejorative term. She had liked it too, honestly, because it always was interesting and made for good tape, even if he would almost always immediately follow it up with some form of 'you know this isn't real, right?' Perhaps that for Alex was the biggest difference on the shows that they'd heard over the past few days. Yes, Richard had done it on things that he most firmly disagreed with (or when he was particularly angry with her over what she expects is her going to Turkey) but there were also moments when he distinctly had not. Alex can't ignore the palpable excitement that had come when he'd jumped into things like Calvin.

It's funny how despite the strangeness of the show for those six episodes, Alex and Richard were so much more themselves. The audio and ways that they'd both pretended to be professional (and it was a pretense, Alex can admit it. The two of them had always held themselves into their roles even when things had gone beyond them) had changed now and that change had let to the way that she'd given Richard Strand a choice that he'd not had before. A choice that Thomas Warren would kidnap or kill to make him make, honestly because Alex isn't under any illusions about that. She's always been genre savvy, and now feels more firmly cast in the role of love interest than ever and everyone knows what happens then.

The term 'fridging' exists for a reason.

But Alex is someone who's brain is always going, churning in multiple directions so she can answer his question easily and with a grin and an obvious answer: "journalism."

He chuckles, a soft noise as he leans forward, "Of course. So English. I mean at the heart of journalism is english right?" No. "It's the puzzle too. The puzzle primarily correct? I bet you loved puzzles as a child. It's all a hunt, a puzzle at the heart of it. Like with me."

He chuckles again, "I forgive you by the way. For digging into me."

Alex bristles a bit, she can't help it. She bristles and she takes another long sip of the cider, putting more distance between them than there had been before his line about forgiveness. Keeping her voice carefully neutral, Alex just responds, ignoring anything about the puzzles and mysteries which he is right about.

There is, after all, a reason why Alex Reagan's favorite adjective is 'enigmatic.'

"I never lied to you about digging into your past. I told you right from the beginning, right from when you're from that you were a part of the story that I was interested in you telling. You left and you came back. You knew what I was doing even from when you are. I don't need your forgiveness for that. And I'm not asking for it."

How. How does he fall in love with this stubborn woman with no instinct of self preservation or boundaries?

"Doctor Strand, I'm not letting you in."

"What you're saying is that you're willing to impede scientific progress Doctor Burke. It's an empty building. I don't care what experiences you think you've had in it.

How apparently did he want to run off with this enigmatic creature that dedicated herself to breaking things apart and putting them back together to educate the public?

"Doctor Strand, while we have enjoyed a rare relationship with you in the past..."

"Spare me Father." He leaned back in his chair, "You hate having me here."

The older man's face set in a firm line, "You do not make yourself welcome. You have a tendency to worm your way in and pull things apart without caring about a person's feelings."

"I care-"

"About yourself. About your quest."

"...Alex I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up again. It...shakes you and I have a tendency to bring shit up that I shouldn't as well. I spent a very long time burying things...and to dig them up again and force myself to face the things I've done...that's unpleasant for anyone."

He studies her, noting the distance.

"I do not...trust well. I've been hurt and I suppose I'm more like an old dog that doesn't know how to ...to not bite. I don't know if I deserve your patience."

Alex knows this man. She knows this man and she knows his apologies are more rare than anything that he believes in. Alex knows how apologies can cost him, and she knows that this one that he's making is probably one that does. But she also knows that he's sincere in it, that what he's telling her is the truth. Over the past two years, Alex's Strand bullshit detector has only gotten more advanced and it was already fairly accurate to begin with. If this was a lie, Alex knows that she would know it, and she also knows that she's willing to forgive him this mistake for the reasons that he said.

"Okay." Her voice is soft, and she moves back to where she had been before he'd said that. "I understand that, Richard. I know that you have reasons not to trust people, especially not when..." Alex doesn't fumble around for what she wants to say, but she does search for the right way, the right words to give it voice. "I know that caring for people and trusting that people care for you is difficult. I know why it's difficult. I know how hurt you've been." Alex has seen it first hand multiple times, just like she'd also seen how Richard can bite multiple times too.

"But if there's one thing that I hope you know about me." And honestly Alex hopes that there's more than one thing he knows about her, even with all of the different time between them, between listening to all of the seasons of the show and getting to know her here aboard the ship. "I hope it's that you know I know my own mind. I know my own mind and myself and I know what I deserve. If I feel like you don't deserve my patience, then I'll tell you that. Okay?" It's a question, and Alex lays her hand on his arm, not an unfamiliar gesture even before everything else, and one that she hopes that he recognizes as such--it's not just her taking liberties because of what was on that tape.

He knows she's a ridiculously stubborn sweet woman who is dedicated to the truth - even if the truth is strange and not what he wants and he knows...He knows they will have so much more time and he...

He wants it. Does he want it? He wants it.

"I don't want to ...hurt or ruin anyone else anymore. Being drawn into it like this. I've made so many mistakes. It's hard to believe you want me here. But I'm glad."

"Don't worry, Richard." Alex gives him a quick and easy grin, and makes a reflexive bad joke to lighten the mood. "I'm pretty good at drawing myself in places. You definitely don't need to do that for me." And then because she doesn't want there to be any doubt, she adds, "bad joke. Sorry, it's a reflex."

And then because in for a penny, in for a pound and when has Alex Reagan ever done anything as a halfway measure she says. "And I do. Want you here, I mean." It's not a grand gesture of love, not like offering to run away from their entire lives, but it doesn't need to be. This is just here for the two of them and that's enough.

He doesn't say anything for a moment before he seems to relax. Slowly. Ever so slowly. She moves with speed in everything. He wants to catch up but it feels like his time has been all used up.

Instead he stays, and her reward is his shoulders relax and he leans against her ever so gently.

"We'll figure this out."

His voice is soft, "I'll protect - we'll protect each other. And figure this out."

"We will," Alex says quickly, with a smile as he leans against her. "We'll figure this out and we'll protect one another. We have time." Time here, time back home--time seems to be the one thing that both of them actually have when it comes to this right now. But someone who doesn't have time is Simon, and that worries her more than most else right now. More than Thomas Warren, or Tiamat or anything else. There's nothing that she can do here about it (probably) considering the future is a fixed thing (maybe?) but that doesn't mean she's going to not try.

But there's nothing that Alex can do tonight when this is still hitting them like shockwaves.

So, instead, Alex just takes a sip of cider and offers it to him. "This is really good. I'm not sure what the fruit is with the apple, but they could definitely sell this in any hipster bar in Seattle and make bank." A pause. "Do you wanna try a sip?"

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