He’s had a lot of time to think in the last few weeks - to analyze and obsess about Matt, his own feelings, the choices he’s made with his life. The machine he was molded into by the House, and the monster he made of himself after, all because he had a singular goal - winning. Who would Mello be if he’d chosen another path, one that included Matt instead of keeping him at arm’s length?
“I’ve known for a while now,” he says, quietly, closing what little space remains between them. “But knowing isn’t the same as having the agency to act on what I know. There are parts of me I’ve had to compromise or lock away because I couldn’t let anything cloud my focus for reaching my goals. I had to kill the parts of me that make someone human.” He taps two fingers to his chest, where his heart impossibly beats.
“I’ve known since you pulled me out of the fire, Matt. When you asked me to stay, I stayed because I wanted you. I still do - I want you with me. I want to be with you. I wanted more, but I couldn’t let myself have it. If I did, I wouldn’t have been able to do what needed to be done.”
He wouldn’t have been able to sacrifice himself if he’d allowed his attachment to Matt to grow stronger. At the time, ending Kira through his own ended life seemed much more important. It’s only now, in the aftermath of everything he lost that Mello can see that how wrong he was in his assessment.
“I don’t know why I’m alive again, but I know I have a chance to fix a mistake, because it was a mistake to leave you. It was a mistake to not be with you. And I don’t want to keep making that mistake. I don’t want to spend another day, another minute without you, Matt.”
This is far more honest and vulnerable than Mello has been with anyone, ever. It’s almost physically painful to strip himself of the walls he erected over the years, the armor he fashioned to keep himself safe from a cruelly painful world. He’s taking a huge gamble, and if it doesn’t pay off, Mello thinks he may not survive the loss.
If it doesn’t pay off, Mello thinks he won’t want to survive the loss.
no subject
“I’ve known for a while now,” he says, quietly, closing what little space remains between them. “But knowing isn’t the same as having the agency to act on what I know. There are parts of me I’ve had to compromise or lock away because I couldn’t let anything cloud my focus for reaching my goals. I had to kill the parts of me that make someone human.” He taps two fingers to his chest, where his heart impossibly beats.
“I’ve known since you pulled me out of the fire, Matt. When you asked me to stay, I stayed because I wanted you. I still do - I want you with me. I want to be with you. I wanted more, but I couldn’t let myself have it. If I did, I wouldn’t have been able to do what needed to be done.”
He wouldn’t have been able to sacrifice himself if he’d allowed his attachment to Matt to grow stronger. At the time, ending Kira through his own ended life seemed much more important. It’s only now, in the aftermath of everything he lost that Mello can see that how wrong he was in his assessment.
“I don’t know why I’m alive again, but I know I have a chance to fix a mistake, because it was a mistake to leave you. It was a mistake to not be with you. And I don’t want to keep making that mistake. I don’t want to spend another day, another minute without you, Matt.”
This is far more honest and vulnerable than Mello has been with anyone, ever. It’s almost physically painful to strip himself of the walls he erected over the years, the armor he fashioned to keep himself safe from a cruelly painful world. He’s taking a huge gamble, and if it doesn’t pay off, Mello thinks he may not survive the loss.
If it doesn’t pay off, Mello thinks he won’t want to survive the loss.