eyemind | text } un: panoptes

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text } un: panoptes

I’ve been putting this off for a while, but I need to make like a Catholic and confess something. Before I do, I need you all to understand a few things about me. And I need you to please believe me when I say that what happened was an accident.

I know I look like a human, but I’m not. I’m Eshmaki, but most people don’t know what that means, so to simplify things, I just say I’m a monster. Literally. And monster-people like me live not only on the physical plane you all know and love, but also in something we call the Primordial Dream. Some people call it the collective unconscious - you may’ve heard that term before if you ever took an intro to psych class. It’s the realm where our monster-selves reside and pay visits to humans in the form of nightmares. If you’ve ever experienced a truly intense, terrifying nightmare, you probably met one of my cousins.

We don’t give humans nightmares to be assholes, or at least most of us don’t. I don’t. What we do, it’s about balance and knowledge and a reminder that the shadows still exist, even if you’d rather ignore them. And we feed on your fear - not for fun, but because it’s a biological need for us, just as necessary as breathing.

You can probably guess where I’m going with this. Those weird nightmare-hallucinations a few weeks back? That was me.

[that’s right, she’s taking sole responsibility for that mess. no way is she throwing simon under the bus; he’s been through enough, there’s no need to get the rest of their fellow passengers on his case, too.]

It wasn’t on purpose. And nothing like that has ever happened to me before, I’ve always been really good at keeping fed enough so I don’t get out of control. My best guess is that something glitched and because we’re all mind-linked through Navi, the connection went haywire and caused some problems.

I’m really sorry for putting you all through that, and I really hope you believe me when I say it was not at all intentional.

I’m working on a way to make sure nothing like that happens again, some kind of sigil or warding I can put on myself to keep everything under wraps. And I know I can’t erase what happened - I can only try to make amends. I’m now offering my anti-surveillance sigil tattoo without asking for anything in return. Or, if you already took me up on that, I can teach you a different type of magick - a barrier spell, a protection sigil, or really anything I know how to do. I mostly work with defensive magick, so I can’t teach you how to cast Fireball, but I can show you how to make a pretty sturdy invisible shield wall or ward your cabin against intruders.

I’m sure some of you will need to yell at me about this, and that’s fine. I understand. I’m pretty used to not being well-liked. But if you can avoid cutting my head off and carrying it around like a trophy, I’d really appreciate it.

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[He wasn't expecting her to take the fall.]

You sure?

[to be fair, she wasn’t either.]

Yeah, I’m sure. Things don’t usually go so well for monsters who keep secrets like this. Angry mob, pitchforks, torches, etc.

Could have blamed an anomaly.

[It wasn't like they didn't run into those more than enough on Navi.]

What if they come for you anyway?

From one misunderstood monster to another - [ He raises his glass of Scotch magnanimously, looking not bothered in the slightest. ] - good on you.

For wanting to make amends, that is, not for - well.

Anyway, if anyone's going to be punishing someone, it'll be me - but your own guilt is likely to be all the punishment you need, unless you think you should be getting something else. Some people find it cathartic. Up to you.

[ Is he being serious? Probably! Shrug. ]

If you require some assistance with designing that sigil I would be happy to oblige.

[Private:]

How are you feeling?

Secrets have a way of coming out one way or another. Better to give them part of the truth now so they don’t go looking for answers later.

[there are detective types on board, after all.]

If they come for me? I guess I can hole up in my cabin. It’s warded really well, so I should be safe.

Thank you for leaving Simon out of it. He's having a hard enough time. Has had a hard enough time.

[Which Alex is assuming that she knows considering she's his partner.]

What are you going to do when you can't feed on the nightmares?

If someone tries to take your head off, they'll do it through me.

[Is that the first time Julia has reached out to Jack since what happened? Yep. Is she still angry? A little. Is she more dangerous? A hell of a lot more. Fear for people you care about will make you do a lot of stupid shit. And has in her case.]

I understand.

[He does much the same with how he answers questions, or chooses not to answer them. How, which questions, and redirection have been his foundation for a very long time.]

So you think that by volunteering some they'll be satisfied enough not to dig further.

You will be safe.

[He knows those wards. He couldn't get even close to them, others weren't likely to break the enchantments on that room.]

Yeah, basically. People tend to be satisfied with easy answers.

[unless their name is alex reagan, of course.]

I should be. I don’t think anyone on board knows magic strong enough to break the warding, except Murmur, but I doubt he’d do that. He helped put them up for Reasons.

Are you doing OK?

[aww, luci. what a pal. c:]

Thanks. That means a lot, actually. Monster solidarity, right?

I don’t feel too guilty about it, though. It was a mistake, and I owned up to it. I’ve learned it’s a possible effect that can happen, and I’ll do what I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. No sense dwelling on the past as long as you learn from it.

[also, she’s covering for simon so no one knows he was part of why it happened. he’s seen some shit, no need to get an angry mob on his case if she can do something to change that. like she said - monster solidarity.]

Guilt is such a weird part of being human. From what I’ve seen, the people who commit the worst injustices usually don’t feel any guilt about it at all, while the people who do feel guilt tend to get like that over the smallest things. Never really made sense to me.

I would LOVE to have your help, I will definitely take you up on that offer.

[private right back.]

I’m OK. Tired still, and groggy, kind of like a hangover? Yuck. I do not miss those even a little bit. Learned my lesson about drinking responsibly pretty quickly after a few sick mornings after.

Are you doing OK?

It’s the least I can do. I don’t know his entire story, but he told me a few things, about his parents, and that shitty cult. That’s a lot more than anyone should have to deal with.

[big sister mode activated!! despite her lack of soul, jack has a lot of sympathy for simon, so she’s decided to do what she can to protect him.]

I’ll still need to feed - I’ve been sticking to people I’ve come across on the planets we’ve visited, so I can keep doing that when I need to. I’ll just work something up to make sure the monster stuff stays in the Primordial Dream, like it’s supposed to. I’ve only ever heard stories about the monster stuff spilling out of the Primordial Dream when we don’t feed enough, and I’ve always been careful about that, so I had no idea there were other conditions that could cause an episode like what happened.

More importantly - are you OK?

[Kaz has always believed in monsters, and even defaults to thinking of himself as one. That said, with each passing day, that definition has been increasingly literal. Demon kings, celestials, and now this. He has trouble reconcilling his nightmares on good days, still struggling with the trauma of his youth. Needless to say, he's not thrilled, and forgiveness isn't something he's skilled at, but he's not going to cut your head off. ~~Though he does consider that maybe it would stop it happening again.~~

Taking in all the information here, he feels like something is missing, though he admittedly feels that way a lot lately. Still, he decides to tackle the most glaring problem:]

And how have you been keeping fed?

[Before sending that reply, something else is nagging at his interest, not that he fully trusts it. He does decide to inquire, though.]

Anti-surveillance sigil?

[fear sure can make you do stupid shit all right. in jack’s case, that’s hiding out and avoiding the people she cares about. like julia. it’s always been easier for jack to fade into the shadows when the going gets uncomfortable.]

I hope it doesn’t come to that. But thank you.

I was going to make a joke about someone slicing through you to get to my head but it didn’t really seem funny after I’d typed it all out.

Also, I’m really sorry. Are you doing OK?

It would be my pleasure to assist.

[It's been a while since he's written anything new.]

[Private time.]

I've heard that can be an effect of over eating. Do you require anything, tea perhaps?

Me? Why of course. While the reverberations of the nightmares were unpleasant I've certainly endured far worse than the lingering whispers of tormented psyches. And Navi is always pleasant company.

I think I will bring some tea.

I haven’t needed to since the nightmares stopped. Right now, it’s like a bear in hibernation - eat a lot, then sleep it off. We should be full for a while. But if you mean in general, I’ve been finding people on the planets we visit. Usually just one nightmare is enough until the next planet.

[ah, yes, a new person.]

I’m a witch. I developed a sigil to make myself invisible to electronic surveillance a while back, when I was doing a lot of protesting, and I gave myself a tattoo of it so it would always stay on me. It came in really handy in the last place I was tossed, which was run by Big Brother on steroids. I figured I’d offer it for the rest of you when Mindseye showed up in the same part of the multiverse and decided to pull a Single White Female on us.

[you’d think by now jack would’ve learned to stop tossing around a lot of pop culture references that most of her fellow passengers find unfamiliar - and yet.]

[tea seems to be his comfort go-to, which is something jack finds a little bit endearing. it’s very human, even if he isn’t.]

Thanks. Tea might help, actually.

And thank you for making sure Navi wasn’t harmed through all of that.

[He did mean in general, wondering if he was being fed upon this whole time. That's about as reassuring as he's going to get for now, he figures, so he doesn't press that line of questioning anymore. As for the rest... most of that went completely over his head, something he's getting used to between the other passengers and the charming locales they visit. He can piece together the gist, though, and knows what a tattoo is at least.]

So it helps conceal us somehow, and it goes on the skin? [Luckily the text doesn't express any of the distaste or discomfort he feels about that, but if it works how he thinks it does, it could be useful. Or a trick.]

In my experience, most humans, no matter how evil, know deep down when they've done something worthy of eternal damnation. Or perhaps the truly evil ones just get banned from Heaven, whether they feel guilty or not.

[ He shrugs. He didn't make the rules of Hell, after all. ]

But it's true, there are some who are weighed down with guilt they shouldn't be feeling. They decide for themselves what they deserve, regardless of whether it's true or not.

[Tea is absolutely his comfort go-to. He doesn't recognize it as such, but it absolutely is. And with the way he guzzles that stuff down it might be implied Murmur's a little more high-strung than he lets on.

Angels are historically difficult to read.]

Tea it is.

Of course. It's the least I could do.

[There's guilt for not intervening further, but he couldn't risk harming Jack or Simon. Stepping in would risk exactly that.]

[To lie or to not lie.]

I don't know how I'm doing.

You're not wrong.

[Simon knows this all too well. Both the average tendency to lean toward easy answers (Strand) and that Alex Reagan defies the expected norm. Another trait of hers he admires.]

...Reasons?

[There's a long, long pause before he answers that final question.]

No.

[He's really not doing great.]

Reasons like keeping people out. You can never have too many security measures, after all. And it came in handy when Mammon was around. That guy had the stickiest fingers this side of the Milky Way.

[despite what she’s told people, jack’s not really doing great either.]

Do you want to come over for a while? It’s safe here.

You made it sound like something more than that. I don't think I was around for him.

[Probably for the best, all things considered. They didn't need weird demons on top of angels to make his head hurt more.]

I could.

He's not there is he?

[The angel, of course.]

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she sticks with text because hiding out a little 😖

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FAIR ENOUGH always video though

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